Tonight is just one of "those" nights...
Ryan helped me put Landon to bed and then left for a youth group event.
I was actually excited for the time alone. I figured I'd get a good work out in since I slept in this morning and then I'd make a ton of progress on our boys' photo books.
Facebook ate up all of the tiny bit of ambition I had to work out so I ate a monster cookie instead and caught up on my favorite blogs.... so goes life, amen? :)
Of course one of my favorite adoption blogs had a special post where families who have adopted kids with cp could link their blogs.
So after reading over ten blogs, watching many videos, and crying many tears as I watched children who were once labeled worthless and told they would never walk or be able to do anything worth while, take their first steps, tell their mama's they love them, sing praise songs to Jesus, and play on a jungle gym, I was a complete mess.
Redemption is so beautiful.
These past couple weeks have been crazy for me.
Last week held some really hard moments for this mama.
I can't lie, there were times when I wondered if we should really do this.
After having the millionth person tell you that you are going to have your hands full and look at you like you're crazy, you kind of begin to wonder if they are right. Especially when you spend all day trying to entertain and chase after a toddler. What are we thinking!!! TWO MORE!!! runs through your mind more than once.
But then you take a nap and wake up to Jesus' strong embrace.
When that happens all the previous second guessing and doubts just seem silly.
As if my Jesus is going to let me go now?
And those days lead beautifully into these days...
These days where you wait by the phone and your heart stops whenever it rings. And you answer it with "Oh mom it's just you."
We have been told by our facilitator in our boys' country that we will receive our travel date "Soon" Exact word... S..O..O..N.
I made the mistake of thinking "soon" must mean today, maybe tomorrow... alas 3 days have passed.
Wow I type that and it sounds silly... 3 days? That's all it's been?? That's not much of a wait.
Tell that to the overdue pregnant mother... expecting twins!!
Yeah, that would give you a better picture of how I'm feeling.
I feel so helpless.
Tonight I crawled into Landon's room, being careful not to bump the large plastic bin of blocks that resounds like a cymbal in his pitch black room. Yes, I have become the mother in the book "I'll love you Forever." Hopefully I will discontinue this little nightly ritual once my boys move out and get married haha (If you don't know the book, it's worth the read:)
I laid on the floor and let it all overcome me...
This painful relentless love that burns inside my heart like a fire. Some nights I think I can physically feel it burning my insides (is that weird?).
This love that would take a bullet for two boys I have never even held in my arms.
This love that longs to wipe their tears.
This love that desires nothing more than to kiss their sweaty foreheads every morning.
This love that will push them to be all that God created them to be and never let them say "I can't"
This love that will never give up on them.
This love that will bring me to tears as I watch them sleep.
This love that will shield them from all of the nasty looks and behind back comments.
This love that will be there to hold them during the times when it can't shield them from the pain and hate of this world.
This love that longs to know them. To know what they like and what they dislike. To know their favorite things. To know what makes them laugh and what makes them act silly. To know their little quirks and mannerisms. To know what makes them unique and a gift to this world.
This love that will stay up to make sure they make it home before curfew.
This love that will go crazy mama bear if they miss said curfew.
This love that longs to tell them about Jesus.
This love that will accept if they never meet the typical milestones.
This love that will cheer, dance around, and go smoochin crazy for every one of "their milestones" that they do overcome.
This love that longs to see their redemption play out more than anything. To see them restored and given a new identity.
This love amazes me.
All of the hopes, dreams, and fears this love has for my boys, some days it's almost to much to carry.
I know that God is the one who has placed this love inside of me.
I know that the kind of love I feel for my boys, this strong, relentless, mountain moving, wall scaling kind of love, is the same kind of love my savior feels towards me.
When I realize that every doubt is silenced.
Everything falls into place and for the moment, makes sense.
I've been saved by crazy love so why wouldn't I offer crazy love?
Please pray that we receive our travel date soon and that it's no later than August.
Thank you for praying for our boys. Your prayers and support is what gets us through the hard days. Thank you for loving and investing in our boys' lives.
While we are traveling we will not be allowed to post any pictures or detailed information regarding our adoption publicly so we have created a private facebook group where we will be able to update and post pictures of our boys. If you would like to be added to it, please add me as a fb friend and let me know you want to be added to our group.