Monday, September 2, 2013

Heart broken

Hello everyone,

I know that I told you we would not be updating through the blog, but I have too much to explain through fb and none of it should be jeopardizing to our adoption.

Today we had an appt where we were read Ivan's file. I will not share any of Ivan's information on here, but get straight to the news that has left us confused and grieving.

When our facilitator contacted the orphanage where Levi is, he was told that Levi has an older sister in the same orphanage as him. We knew of the sister but we did not know she was in the same orphanage, we figure this was why he was moved, to be with his sister. We were then told that it is possible for Levi to be seperated from his sister but in order for this seperation to take place we would have to meet her. This is where the news turned VERY bad. Because his sister is much older than what we are approved for we will not be allowed to visit her. Meaning.... we are unable to adopt our Levi ;'(

As you can imagine we are absolutely devastated. We are grieving the loss of a child we will never be able to hold and love on.

This is why they tell you not to get attached to a picture.

This is why they tell you that you should never have preconceived notions of how your adoption will go because you can just never know.

Even knowing all of these things I do not regret loving Levi. His picture will remain on this blog and hanging on our wall at home until he is under the roof of the family that God has for him.

We will not stop advocating for this child until someone who qualifies to adopt him and his sister are giving him the unconditional love that we wish with all of our hearts that we could of given him.

Ryan and I just prayed and poured out our sorrow to the Lord who hears. We asked him why the only door that he would close during our whole adoption had to be this door :'(

We don't understand, we will probably never understand, but we know that this did not catch God off guard.

We know that He still has a plan and even though this is hard to type right now, we know His plan is perfect.

We were given 8 files of other children in Ivan's orphanage who we could adopt, there was even a couple girls in there.

Although our hearts are grieving, Ryan and I both agree that we are here, we are approved and prepared for two so why not bring home another child.

This is all very overwhelming and we do not know how we are going to choose so PLEASE keep us in your prayers. We will leave for Ivan's region tomorrow evening and once there we will be able to meet all of the children we were shown today. PLEASE pray that God makes His will clear to us.

Lastly, and I CANNOT stress this enough, please join me in advocating for my precious Levi. He needs a home so desperately. It was so clear to us that he is not receiving good care and is very much labeled as worthless. God has filled our hearts with such a hope and love for him though, I truly believe His life can be redeemed. Someone just needs to take a risk on him. We were completely ready to pursue him, it didn't matter what they told us today, but God obviously has other plans for this precious child. Please pray for him and his sister. If they could be adopted together all of our pain would be worth it.

Also, I must say that we do not blame Reeces Rainbow or any of our facilitators here for what has happened to us. It was clear that our facilitators were unaware of his sister and we were well informed of the risks we were taking when you adopt from a country that cannot legally give you any information or put a legal hold on a child until you get there.

This is no ones fault.

God knew.

Those facts cannot change our broken hearts and the grief we are going through right now though.

Thank you for your prayers.


  1. Natalie and Ryan, my heart breaks for you as Levi was already your son in everyone's eyes. You even have the room decorated and everyone knows their names. The only way I can come close to imagining what you are going through was my miscarriage and having the baby so suddenly stripped from me. I will pray God will show you who else you are to bring home to America as part of your family and that God would lighten the burden on your hearts for Levi and that one child's smile, actions or something would just be a clear sign from God that I am the one. But God's love will prevail and you have come so far and even though it may seem like a door is shut a new hallway is opened and there is another door to open at the end of that hallway. Will be praying extra hard and if you have any specific needs for prayer please share them and know you have a team behind you in all of this with God at the head.

  2. Sweet Natalie and Ryan,

    There just aren't words. Nothing any of us can say can comfort this grief. But God will. I wish I were there with you. Know that there is a cloud of witnesses interceding for you guys, Ivan, Levi and any other sweet little one the Lord would lead you to. We love you. We're praying.

  3. Oh Natalie! My heart is breaking for you! Praying for God's very clear guidance and direction!

  4. I understand your pain and confusion. We have been there in our own adoption journey when Zhang Li ran away the day we were to leave for China to bring her home. In the midst of all of the raw emotion that you are feeling right now, know and trust that the Lord DOES have an amazing plan in all of this and that none of this is surprising to Him. We see through a glass dimly. Praying that in His time he will allow you even the tiniest glimpse.

  5. God bless you in your journey! I will pray that Levi and his sister will be adopted together and that you find the child that God leads you to - to bring home with Ivan. <3

  6. I'm so sorry for your sadness at this time. And no words could ever comfort you in a way that would ease your pain. Ultimately, it comes down to God's plan. We pray, we plan, we believe; and yet, even though no doors are shut to hinder our plans ... God has His plan and that plan trumps anything we have even dreamed of making come true. Not that He doesn't care about our plans, but He has an even more splendid idea of what our lives need. This is where trust comes into play. "Trust in The Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways, acknowledge Him and HE will direct your path." Prov. 3:5-6 "Commit your way to The Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday." Psalm 37:5-6. LoveYa!!

  7. God is so good, and so gracious, and we can find hope in that. I believe that the prayers and love that you and everyone else have already for Levi, will make a difference. Even thou we will never meet him, he will stay in people's prayers. And prayer always works just not always in the way we think it should. I believe that specifically for Levi, all o this love is storing up treasures for this little boy in heaven. And I hope someday by mirical, Levi knows about all the love. And all the prayers. And that it effects his heart. And his life. My heart is with you Natalie and Ryan and I look up to the strength of your hearts as you go through and have gone through all of t. You are proof of so many lessons and so many prayers. God has favor on what you are doing and even as you she's each tear, I see him crying with you, but with a smile on his face. Because he sees what is next, and he is gonna bein you such joy. I can't wait for your next post. Be blessed, and keep rocking for Jesus, keep making people cry, and never give up this dream. Everyone thiks your crazy. But god sees the intentions of your heart. It would not be from god if we could all comprehend it or unit was not crazy. I don't know if you need this or read this, but if u so I hope it brings u comfort. A son that always helps me in rough times is by Phil Collins, you'll be in my heart. I pretend god is singing It to me. Maybe it will help you too!

  8. We are so sorry, Ryan and Natalie. God so often leads us down roads we didn't even know were there. We are happy you are over there and made it safely and will continue to pray for Levi and for whatever else God has planned for you while there. Thank you so much for posting and sharing your heart. We all love you and again, we are praying for you.

  9. We are praying for you as you grieve. I have been praying for all of the children in that orphanage, especially for "Haven," for a long time. I pray that God will lead you to your children and you will rest content in knowing that his plan is good.

  10. Praying for your bump in the road but I'm sure God will lead you to the 2nd child that is meant to be yours. Praying for easy discernment for you as you embark on this change of direction, however know He has a plan for your family. I am so happy you are not using this shut door to shut the door on the possibility of another child. Praying for your first meeting with Ivan to go well!

  11. Natalie, So sorry to hear of the loss of a dream with Levi. Praying for God's supernatural peace and healing to be on you and Ryan as you grieve the loss of a child you thought you were going to have, celebrate Ivan, and somehow make room in the midst of the craziness for another heart to love. I really do believe, like Leann said, that all of the prayers and love that have been given for Levi are not in vain, and that you are still a part of leading him to his forever family. The prayers you and all those supporting you have cried out to God with on his behalf will not go unnoticed by our loving Father who loves Him even more than we do. Asking God for wisdom as you look at the other children who are possibilities. You guys have such an amazing humble love, to keep your hearts open to another child. Love you both. Praying!! <3

  12. Hello guys,

    This is Serge- a missionary you met at a gas station in Mukachevo( on a way to Kiev I believe).

    I am so sorry for the news on the adoption of Levi-me and my wife Lesya just read your blog. We will pray for you and the boy you are praying for. Its not easy- we have a girl being adopted by an American couple out of the Family Home where we help and its been dragging with things promised to happen 'next week' two months ago etc- which is common in Ukraine, especially in these circles.
    May God's will be done. He is still in Charge of the Universe He gives breath and movement to every day. He simply IS.
    Please let us know in case you need any help with translation or anything. We have an English-speaking born-again friend in Kiev who is close to adoption authorities there and may have some more info- because many times the people you dealing with in Ukr are sitting on the information( they usually sell it):(.

    Our # here is 066 403 11 68- i am sorry, I should ve offered it to you guys when I met you guys.

    serge and Lesya Landik