The first one I was pregnant with Landon and had just found out about his heart defect. Our world was spinning and yet we still took the time to play games, reflect on our blessings, and make yummy food.
The second we had just accepted God's calling on our lives to adopt and would announce it to the world the first day of 2013. Our adoption journey was not without it's trials and tears, but in Nov. 2013 we would welcome home our beautiful eldest son and our world would never be the same.
We call 2014 "our year off" because it's the only year we have not welcomed another child into our family, but truth be told, 2014 was far from easy. A miscarriage, change of jobs for Ryan, I went back to work part time, we bought our house, and then we ended the year by beginning yet another adoption process...
Yes, I can look back on each year and recall the beautiful blessings, the challenging moments, and the transformation and change that every trial and heart breaking experience has brought about, but 2015 may take the cake for years of transformation for our family, especially for this mama.
I would title 2015 as my year of "letting go". It has been a theme that has showed up pretty consistently throughout my calendar year and sometimes even came as a reminder from my amazing man, with Disney song lyrics and all..
It's not been an easy concept for this mama to grasp.
My default is perfectionism.
My default is trying to do things on my own.
I hide behind my introversion, my goals, my schedules and God has taken me to places this past year that my soul wouldn't have survived in isolation, although at first, you better believe I tried.
With four littles all under the developmental age of 4, 2 newly adopted kiddos (one with significant trauma to heal from and one with a major heart surgery to survive), and ANOTHER baby on the way, it became pretty clear that 2015 was either going to make or break me physically, emotionally, mentally, and I would even say spiritually.
In all the years passed I have struggled at times with bouts of anger and doubt towards God and the plan He continues to reveal for my life, but in 2015 God brought me to really a breaking point of my faith where I was either going to resent Him for where all of our trusting and all of our "yeses" had brought us or I was going to accept His plan no matter how difficult it may be and trust that even in the midst of the "daily hard", the stress, and occasional devastating news and seemingly impossible decisions, He is still good and this life He has built for us, although hard, is miraculously beautiful.
I feel like I'm entering this New Year as a new person, and yet I'm almost ashamed to admit I still struggle with this concept of letting go and trusting God. Just when I think I've got a handle on it and I'm finally okay with the imperfections, the unplanned, the hard moments that are so inevitable in this life, God will bring yet another challenge into our lives and just like that I feel the pull to behave like my tantrumming toddler.
I stomp my feet at my good Father and tell Him "NO!"
I sulk and whine and come up with every possible reason why He is wrong, why I can't do what He is asking of me.
Raising a 3 and 4 year old boy I run into this scenario on a daily basis. The struggle of teaching them obediance and trust when it goes against what they may think is right or fun in that moment. I want so badly for them to realize that mama and daddy have their best interest in mind, that we love them, and that truly what we are asking of them (for example, to put away the crayons they were playing with 10 min ago or to wait on getting juice so we can all have a special treat at dinner time just 30 min in the future) truly is not that hard, but in their minds it seems catastrophic at times and it's our job as parents to help them navigate those emotions in a healthy manner and obey even when they may not understand why. As Christians we want to instill obedience in our children because we know that in their lives they will have to abide by rules, whether it be at school, a job, and most importantly, in their personal spiritual walk with God.
It's so easy for me to get frustrated with our boys. It's tempting to scream, "because I told you so" and leave it at that, but I've learned this past year that is not how God parents us and that is not how I want to reflect His tender love to my children. Yes, there are times when direct and immediate obedience is a must, but in most cases my children are fighting the very same struggle their mama is.
I struggle with truly accepting and believing with my whole heart and being that God has my best interest always in mind. I have different plans for my day (my life) than God may ask of me and whether it's something small like not making the perfect Christmas breakfast or something major like having another baby or giving up my dream of homeschooling all my children, it's my job to trust that God is still good and will work everything out for my good in His perfect time.
I let go of a lot of things in 2015, some small expectations that I didn't even realize I had for myself and some major dreams and fears that I've clung to for a very long time, but as I entered 2016 last night it was very obvious to me that I still have a long way to go when it comes to letting go and trusting God... it's a never ending journey I think that wont end until we take our last breath, but with each "yes", with each victory, we come closer to the freedom Jesus died for us to have.
Because maybe God never meant for us to live our lives through the filters of instagram.
Maybe we're supposed to admit that we are all just messes that only God could do anything good or worth while with.
Maybe it's okay to see yourself in the eyes of your devastated three year old who had his heart set on the green cup and received a blue one instead...
I'm not trying to undermine what we go through, believe me, I know this life is hard and God knows it too, in fact, He's more aware of the evil and pain of this life than our minds could ever concieve, but He calls us to one thing and that is faith.
Faith that He loves us and will never let us go.
Faith that He can redeem any tragedy, loss, and wound that we have endured.
Faith that if we get up each day and trust Him with whatever may come, He will lift our burdens and make us overcomers.
It's kind of fitting that my year of "letting go" would end with me being on bed rest. Just when I feel like I'm getting a handle on things, have a plan, and I'm feeling prepared for what's coming next, God throws me yet another curve ball to challenge my faith and prepare my heart and soul for what I don't even know I will need.
At my 32 week appointment this past Wednesday I brought up how I've been feeling lately and that I don't remember feeling this way when I was pregnant with Landon. My doctor checked me and confirmed that I was indeed experiencing early signs of labor and my body and baby were gearing up for an early entrance into this world.
She then put me on bed rest for a week and will check me again next week to see if things are still progressing or if baby has slowed down and everything looks fine.
At first I have to say, I didn't really take her seriously...
Bed rest, so that's like laying on the couch and letting the kids watch more tv than normal right Lord?" I think I can handle that... I'll do my best.
"So how does one do bed rest with 4 little kids, I asked my doctor."
I instantly regretted asking this question as soon as I saw the serious look in her face.
"They get help."
She must of noticed the concerned look in my face because she went on to tell me that I'm allowed to get up to go to the bathroom and get myself food, but besides that she wants me laying on my side in my bed.
"Do you have anyone who can come help you or take your kids?"
I think my deer in the headlights expression said it all so she just wrapped up our visit and told me to wait for the nurse to come in to administer the first round of steroid shots that baby girls lungs will need if she was to come very soon.
I left the clinic with a limp (those shots are not pleasant) and a little in shock as to what just took place. "bed rest" and my life don't go together.
What are you thinking Lord!!
These are my last weeks to prepare, to nest, to work before maternity leave... bed rest.
We have the most amazing friends and community and almost as soon as I shared the news, I was getting texts and messages from people offering to watch our kids and bring us meals.
God never ceases to amaze me with the generosity of His body here on this earth. It's easy to watch the news and think the whole world has gone down the tubes, but there is still so many people walking around and taking up oxygen on this planet who demonstrate the sacrificial love of God on a daily basis.
We are so grateful to share life with some of those people.
I wish I could leave it at just being grateful and accepting the blessings that God so generously gives, but it's still so hard for me to accept help. We have had to rely on others during so many seasons of our lives. I still have absolutely no idea how we paid for two 30k adoptions in two years. I know it wasn't us, it was God using His body to prove to us that He will never call us to something only to leave us hanging by ourselves, even though that is exactly what it may feel like at times. There have been months where we have paid our bills with money that has come in the mail from almost strangers.
It's so humbling and so mind blowing how God provides for His children...
and yet I still cling to my need for independence.
I don't want you to come over and see my sink full of dirty dishes, unshowered messy bun, or unfolded laundry strewn across my living room, but this is exactly what God has been working for 4 years to break in me. Even more so than what the external eye can see, I don't want you to see my fears, the anger I spew at my kids sometimes, the ugliness that I have in me that I try so desperately to cover up with confidence and a completed to do list.
Life is so much more beautiful without the constant fear that our true reality will show, our makeup will rub off, or that mask we're hiding behind will start to slip off our faces.
So this is my New Years challenge to you...
You can take it for all it's worth or leave it here and dismiss it as the mindless ramblings of a prego woman stuck in bed, that's entirely up to you.
Would you make 2016 your year of letting go?
This doesn't mean you have to stop using instagram or pinterest, but it does mean we have to continually check ourselves to make sure the lie of perfectionism isn't sinking into our hearts.
Jesus was all the perfect this world needed.
We lie to ourselves when we think we can reach perfect without His grace.
We are striving and striving and striving to be these people that have it all together, when what I've found is that God just wants us to admit that we are falling apart so He can break us even more and then create something so much more beautiful than we could imagine... something real.
I hope and pray you don't have to be summoned to bed to learn this lesson, but maybe a spiritual bed rest wouldn't be a bad place to start.
I encourage you to pray about it and seek out what that may look like for you.
Besides birthing a baby this coming year and finding a new normal as a family of 7, my goal is to continue this journey of letting go and resting in God's love and perfect plan for my life.
I know it gives false promises of security and beauty, but I can tell you that a filtered, perfect, life is really just a trap of loneliness that satan uses to keep us away from real freedom... real community... real life.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10
For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it Matthew 16:25
So I tried for over an hour to make a video slideshow on imovie, but it wasn't working for me so I had to just let it go. So instead you get a video off of youtube and a boatload of unfiltered pictures that showcase some of the big and small moments we experienced in 2015.
|This was us bringing in the New Year last night. About as unfiltered as it comes :) Wouldn't trade that man and all the memories 2015 holds for us for anything.|
So here's to a New Year...
To letting go...
and looking a little more like Jesus this time next year!!