Grief and God's goodness

I checked my phone at a stoplight on my way home from work and saw a message from my Reece's Rainbow bff asking me if our family is ok because someone had posted in one of our groups that something had happened to a family and to be praying.

When I got home I texted her back and told her we're fine, but I would be praying for the family. She then texted me back and told me the news that Sasha (Jonathan) had passed away.

I recognized the name but couldn't put a face to it.

Landon was eating a snack in his high chair so I sat by him, grabbed my phone and hurried to the Reece's Rainbow group on facebook.

That's where I found this.

I was sobbing by the second line.

I still just feel sick...

I know that I don't know this woman, but we're connected through our aching mama hearts.

I know the feeling she had when she first saw her precious Jonathan's picture.

I know how her thoughts of him got her through the mountain of paperwork.

I know how she probably practiced calling for him just because she wanted to feel how his sweet name rolled off her tongue and hear how it resounded in her ears like a hallejuah chorus.

I know how her face could light up just from daydreaming of his future. It's the kind of smile that can only grace the face of a mother.

I know how her mind would photoshop his beautiful smiling face into their family photos

I know how every night after she tucked her other children into bed, she would undoubtedly think of her sweet jonathan and long for another forehead to kiss, glass of water to fetch, and blankie to pull up.

I know the pain that pierced her heart every time she let her thoughts acknowledge the place her child was living.

I know how she wondered

I know how she sobbed for him

I know how she prayed day and night for God to make a way.

I know how she spent many hours just thinking about the moment she would finally hold him in her arms for the first time.

What I don't know is how she felt when they found out they had been submitted and the excitement that must of filled their home when they realized it would only be 5 weeks before they would travel and all of their dreams of their son/brother would become a reality.

And what I don't know is the crippling devestation that overcame her today when all of her dreams turned into a nightmare with one morning phone call.

I cannot imagine.

I just keep sobbing.

After reading her blog I took Landon from his highchair and held him in front of the window. I leaned my head against the window and prayed that watching the cars go by would be enough of a distraction so he wouldn't witness his mama breaking down.

My heart just hurts so bad.

It's breaking for the Marr family, and it's breaking from the cruel reminder that this life is so fragile.

Truthfully I just want to vomit from the pain I feel right now.

Everyday I am reminded of the relentless love our savior feels for us. I am reminded how painful it is for him to watch His precious children suffer pain. I can sense His devastation over the fact that His children don't understand His love for them.

I know how He desires to run to us and swoop us up in His arms. I know how He wants to tell us that He is not a stranger. He longs for us to understand that He is not just a good thought. He is real and the relentless love, the mountain moving love that He has for us is REAL and that it could heal us if we let Him in.

I feel like our adoption has given me a closer look into God's heart. I actually feel it beating in me for Ivan and Levi. I feel that longing for them to see me and know that I am not a stranger, I am their mama. I want them to know that there is nothing they could ever do to make me love them more because there is nothing they have done to make me love them in the first place.

They are mine.

I love them because they are mine.

And that is exactly why God loves us.

It's not because of anything we have done.

He loves us because we are His.

The deeper we get into this adoption....

The more in love I fall with my Lord.

My God climbed the ultimate mountain and no amount of paperwork and fundraising can compare to the fight that He fought to give us the right to be called His sons and daughters (John 1:12).

I didn't understand salvation before this adoption. I accepted it, but I clearly didn't understand it.

I didn't fully understand that I was an orphan, abandoned with the label "worthless" around my neck when God stepped down out of Heaven and said NO. You will not remain an orphan. You will be my child. I will do whatever it takes to give you my name, because I believe you deserve to be loved (John 14:18).


I believe this is why God calls us to take up the plight of the orphan, fight for them, and adopt them, because God knew that if we let an orphan into our heart then we WILL see His heart for us.

We wont just know of His love, we'll feel it coursing through our veins.

We wont just ponder the sacrifice of Jesus on Easter, we'll remind ourselves of it everyday because it's what gives us the strength to love a child that doesn't know how to love us back.

We wont just preach of His redemption, we'll see it play out on the stage of our homes.

I'm going to share a video with you all. It's one that literally had me in tears for three days. I found it when I was researching mental institutions in Eastern Europe because we were told that Ivan and Levi had already been transferred. We waited 4 weeks to hear back word as to their whereabouts. Those were the 4 longest weeks of my life. Everyday I woke up I wondered if my children would make it through the day or if the affects of their neglect and abuse would finally be too much for their tiny bodies to take.

This video shows what life looks like for children who are "transferred"

Sweet precious Jonathan had been transferred. 

Only God knows the pain he experienced.

He was only 5 weeks away from a loving family.

There is no way to process a tragedy like that, but as I grieve for the family, I thank Jesus that Jonathan is safe now. I smile when I imagine the new glorious body that he is clothed in, one that will never know neglect or hunger ever again.

We have been told that if all goes well we will most likely be traveling to our boys' country in mid to late JUNE!! This is incredible! I have never heard of an adoption going this fast, but when I think of the reality our precious ones are living in I can't help but wonder if it will be fast enough (and here come the tears). I know at anyday thier files could fall into the wrong hands and someone could notice that they should have been transferred by now. I know that if they are transferred their bad situation will become 10x worse. It is truly unimaginable what these precious ones in these institutions face.

It is pure evil.

pure evil.

But our God is mighty to save AMEN?

We believe God will level the mountain that stands between us and our Ivan and Levi. Please prayerfully consider helping us ransom our precious ones. The fact that we may only have a couple months to fund raise is terrifying. We still need about 16 to $17,000.

We have many fundraisers coming up, the next one being on March 18th at Pizza Ranch. Ryan, me, and some of our amazing friends will be bussing tables from 5-9. All of the tips we receive and 10% of the nightly earnings will go towards Ivan and Levi's ransom. Please join us in fighting for our boys (and get some great pizza while you do :)

If you do not live in Bismarck and would still like to make a difference for our boys, you can give a tax deductible gift by clicking on the Reece's Rainbow button with our precious ones pics on it.

Thank you for believing with us that "Every heart needs a home, and every child deserves a chance."

Stay on the look out for an updated picture of the boys' wall. The hearts are spreading!!