Fear

I've been meaning to write a blog since Monday, but it just never happened.

I feel like when I don't blog for long periods of time everything just builds up inside of me until I am so desperate to write that when I finally get my fingers to the keys with a blank canvas in front of me, I spew passion all over it. 

I don't even need to think about what to write, the words just come... that is how I feel tonight.

I will warn you that I am about to get vulnerable. It's not something I enjoy, but it's the only way I know how to live. 

This week has been hard.

There have been times where I have thought... what are we doing??

There have been times where I've been so exhausted from life with one little 11 month old that I am terrified of what life will look like with two more extremely needy little boys.

But today I got a nap, worship, fellowship, and a starbucks caramel frappuccino. Suddenly I'm starting to feel my mind pulling up out of the fog that it has been stuck in for days.

I'm thinking and pondering again...

I'm hearing my heart again...

In a way, I feel like the past 5 years of my life have been a fight against God.

I fought God when He told me that He wanted me to marry Ryan. I was terrified of loving someone so deeply. I was terrified of trusting him and being hurt. I was terrified of hurting him. I was terrified of making a mistake and our relationship hurting the One that I love more than anything else... Jesus.

I knew that loving Ryan and giving him my heart would cause me pain someday and the fear of being hurt or failing God almost kept me from the biggest blessing I'll ever know.

Truthfully I would not be with Ryan today if he would of let me break up with him, but he never let me give into the fear that fought to control my life. 

Finally God won the fight and Ryan and I slipped off our shoes, walked up onto the stage, stood under the pergola that Ryan had made with his own hands, and pledged to fight for each other for as long as we live and journey down every path God calls us to hand in hand. 

We took off our shoes that day because we knew that we were embarking on Holy ground. We knew that satan was going to do everything in his power to get in between us and scare us away from the beautiful, dangerous life God had planned for us.

Fast forward a couple months and my fear was again battling against the God I desired with all my heart to follow. My heart said trust God, my fear told me to hide from the God who chose to knit a broken heart into the tiny chest of my unborn child.

The fear was consuming at times. At times, the battle was so intense I couldn't speak, but God WON!

Before Landon was born I came to a place of total surrender. I told God that I don't only trust Him to heal my baby. I told him that I will trust Him even if He chose not to. I told Him, no matter what happens, I will still believe that He is good and trustworthy. No matter what happens, I will still love Him and follow Him wherever He leads.

Landon's journey was not easy. 

His healing was not instantaneous.

It was HARD!

It felt so LONG!

The memories still bring me to tears.

Our feet are still rough from the callouses that the climb left on them.

And now we're here..

Facing another mountain that looks impossible to climb.

Fighting fear for every tiny step of ground.

I know some of you don't think that Ryan and I should be trying to climb this mountain.

What I want you to know is, this wasn't our choice.

Just like when God placed Landon in my womb he has placed Ivan and Levi in our hearts.

Quitting on them, would be nothing less than an abortion. It would mean nothing less than murder to the two precious lives that God has told us to love and protect.

We didn't just think one day, ya know what we are just awesome parents. We should adopt two children that have been severely neglected and who will face extreme challenges. We are just a normal couple, just a normal couple that has good days and not so good days. We're just a young, immature and silly couple that God came to and asked one simple question. "No one's going for them guys. Will you go? You've seen my faithfulness. You've seen my redemption. You've seen my healing power. Will you trust me? I want so badly to hold them and give them the love they don't even know they long for. Will you let me? Can I send you?

All we did is say yes.

That's all, God's done the rest.

He's put a passion and desire in us for these two precious ones that is absolutely unquenchable. 

He continues to give us his eyes and His heart for these boys.

On days when I wonder what our life is going to look like once our boys are home, God always tells me the same thing.

It's not going to be any different, any harder than each day is right now.

As long as we are leaning into God and relying on Him for our strength, we are going to able to love our boys, we are going to be able to care for them.

Is it going to be hard... well of course.

But life is supposed to be hard, it's what makes us remember that we are completely worthless without Jesus.

There is a verse that has been freedom to me.

It's not long, it's not complicated, but it is the secret to overcoming fear.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4:18

There it is. That's all Ryan and I need to know.

We've been made perfect through the perfect love of Jesus Christ. We know that God is a good God and He is not going to ask us to do something just to punish us. Therefore, we have absolutely NOTHING to fear. 

God has given us an amazing, unbelievable love for Ivan and Levi. This love has left me speechless and in tears on many occasions. This love God has given us for them trumps every fear that may rear it's ugly head in opposition of God's will coming to fulfillment in our families life.

I feel like I need to apologize for my very long rant, but I hope that what I said encourages you to cling to the perfect love that Jesus has for you. Please believe me that He longs to send this love flowing through your veins and chisel it into the very marrow of your bones. Your mind will not be able to conceive, what God will do with You if you give into this love and say Yes to whatever crazy dream God has placed in your heart.

Don't let fear stand in the way of the beautiful, dangerous life He wants to give you. It's hard, but I can tell you, it is so so SO very beautiful. 

When the hard days come, and they WILL... take a nap, claim the promises that He has given us, blare the worship music through your house, call a friend and meet her at Starbucks for a caramel frappacinno.

Please know that every one of my passionate posts are never written with the intent to point a finger or heap guilt. 

We are in this fight against fear together. I want to encourage you, you're not alone.

I love you and your support means the world to our family.

Thank you for being my listening ear :)