I am seriously beginning to consider submitting our family's picture to the dictionary so they can place it under the definition of "crazy." I knew adoption was not for the faint of heart, but... wow... you really have no idea until your committed, until you're all in, until you're home is drowning in paperwork, and your heart is being wrung out by the hands of God.
It is so emotionally and physically exhausting!
In a perfect world, I would have all day to focus on compiling all of our documents, sending emails, driving to the library to visit my new best friend the notary public lady (she hates us), reading preparation books, and corresponding with other fellow adoptive parents. Instead I'm distraught with jealousy over the other mothers who seem to be constantly getting things apostilled and sent in. I tell myself that they obviously don't have anything else to do. I know this probably isn't true, but it helps me justify my exhaustion and lack of desire to conquer the mountain of paperwork.
I am so over school! I stopped being able to focus on it after Landon was born, but now with the adoption, it's a miracle that I get my assignments sent in on time each week.
I yell at my classes daily!
I tell them I wish they would just go away. I tell them I am over them, and that I'd rather be with facebook then stare at their boring face one more second... Okay that may be a little harsh (I gave you the best 5 years of my life college!! ;) I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel though. I received an invitation to my commencement ceremony in May!! I obviously will not be going to Virginia to end my life as a student in style, but I will be just as happy to receive my diploma in the mail. I will take it out of the envelope, dance around with it and show Ryan probably a good 20 times. Then it will likely go into our file cabinet with promises that it will soon be taken out and placed into a beautiful frame, but truth is, I will forget about it, and there it will sit for probably years to come. To be brutally honest, I don't care about paper, I don't care about my accomplishments, I care about people. Sure, it will feel amazing to be done and I will forever be proud of myself that I stuck it out and finished, but compared to rescuing our two lovies out of the hell they are in, graduating from college, just isn't on the radar.
I started working at our churches daycare again this week. God worked it out, so I could work there for my internship!! It was such an incredible answer to prayer. I had wanted to get a part time job to help pay for our adoption, but I knew I couldn't because I would be observing counseling sessions 8 hours a week for my internship. God closed the door on the counseling, which I was really bummed about, but then He opened the door for me to work in the daycare again. I'm working 15 hours a week. My amazing friend is watching Landon and I get to watch her two adorable children two days a week (win win! :)
Last weekend we switched bedrooms with Landon so that we could start getting his room ready for the boys to join him. It was absolute chaos for two days as our bed was taken apart and scattered around our living room, along with everything else. To say we downsized is a major understatement (I have to turn sideways to get to my closet), but Ryan and I are actually really enjoying it, we call it cozy :) Our closet is less than half the size of our old one, but we are also liking only having a select few items of clothing to choose from.
We're making sacrifices.
We're making room...
because they are of more worth than any material thing we will ever own or desire.
People make up so many excuses why they can't adopt... space being one of them... seriously... why do we need "master" bedrooms that could fit maybe five (or more) cribs in them? Do we really understand what children are living in? Do we get that some children are sentenced to spend their entire life in a crib!
Do we think these children would not be happy in our middle class homes? Do you think our boys would rather stay in their dirty orphanages where they are being neglected and starved than come join us in our little two bedroom apartment where they will be smothered in love and their tummies will always be full and satisfied?
Our life is crazy.
I feel like we barely have time to breath.
I am stressed a good majority of the time.
I am scared, I don't see how everything is going to work out.
But whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed and I think, man, poor me, my life is so crazy, I stop myself and say woh woh wohhhh Get behind me Satan!! Poor me?? Poor me?? NO! My sons are on the other side of the world living each day on borrowed time, just holding on for a salvation that they neither know or understand. God forgive me! Yes, I'm stressed and this is hard, but it is nothing compared to the life of an innocent child. All of the paperwork, the working, the donating plasma, the researching, the emailing, the fighting... this is all for them... and for them I would do anything... because.. for them Jesus You gave EVERYTHING.
They are so worth it!!
So please forget every complaint that has been documented in this post. Every ounce of stress is going to be worth it, every penny, every all nighter, every moment of what are we doing? is all going to be wiped out with one touch from their sweet skin.
Please pray for them. Pray that God will sustain them until we can come for them. Pray that Ryan and I will somehow find the energy to work on our dossier at night. Pray that our adoption goes quickly. We have been told that we could have them home by August. Pray that is true!! We would LOVE (beyond love!) to have them home by their sixth birthdays.
We love each of you. Thank you for following and journeying with us. We couldn't do this without your support.