Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Can't understand (Good-bye to Hope)

Today I was going to share about the amazing adoption milestone we reached yesterday and present a special offer regarding our giveaway.

I have the blog post written up and ready to be posted

But I can't...

Not today.

Today my heart is weeping for a family that I have never met, but feel as though I know deeply.

I will never forget the day...

Landon had just been moved up to the PICU and was about to undergo his first open heart surgery the next day.

I remember that day, sitting in the light green pullout chair that I sat in to pump during the day, and slept in at night. I was sitting in it, while on my laptop. I can't remember if I was blogging or on facebook, but my mom came over and started telling me about a family that had just had a little girl with a heart defect too. My mom explained that the babies mother's brother was at the same Youth With a Mission base as my brother in Australia. My brother knew the guy, heard about his sister and his niece, and told my mom she should give me her blog.

I remember the first time I read Amy's blog.

I felt like I could of written the words that she had typed.

Her babies name was Hope and she was born just a day earlier than Landon.

Hope was born with a heart defect called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, which caused her to be born with only half a heart. Her heart defect was different than Landon's, but so many of our experiences were the same.

It was such a comfort to me to have another young mama facing the same painfully scary circumstances as I was.

We shared the same fears and insecurities.

After almost a month we got to take Landon home.

Hope continued to face challenges and needed to stay in the hospital.

Finally Hope got to go home.

Oh how I celebrated when I heard that!!

But then shortly after, Hope had to go back to the hospital.

There she stayed for months and months and months.

During every milestone and miracle we experienced with Landon, my mind would think of Hope.

I would pray that she too would start to grow and gain weight,

that she too, wouldn't need another surgery,

that she too would be able to go home.

I truly believed that someday she would... but with every blog post of Amy's I would read, my heart would sink...


Guilt that my baby was doing so well and her baby was still struggling for every breath.

A while ago, the Koslowski's received the horrific news that Hope needed a new heart and had to be put on the waiting list for a transplant.

I have to admit that I haven't been following Hope's story like I used to.

Maybe the guilt got to me or maybe we just got so busy and focused on our adoption... hospital life seems like a world away now

But then last night I saw this on Amy's facebook status

"Almost at the hospital the Dr. Just called to say she is failing fast and no on us there. Our baby girl needs prayer like never before."

I shared it on fb and begged people to pray and it seemed like only minutes later, I found out that Hope had gone to be with Jesus.

There really aren't words to describe the next couple hours in our home...

It was one of those moments when your world just stops spinning.

I burst into tears and whispered to Ryan, who was sitting by me, that she was gone.

I began to sob as the grief and shock surfaced.

"It could have been us."

I sobbed and Ryan held me...

"Why did our baby get a healing and theirs didn't?"

more sobbing...

"I never want to take him for granted."

I cannot imagine the grief Amy is feeling right now... I cannot imagine.

But a part of me can...

It was my worst nightmare for so long... losing my baby.

But something happens after you recieve a miracle...

You get used to it.

Ryan and I held each other last night and made each other promise that we would never let the other take our blessings and our miracles for granted.

I don't understand why God gives to some and takes away from others.

I just don't know and I will never pretend to know.

We were not more deserving.

We did not have more people praying for Landon than sweet Hope had praying for her.

We do not love him more than they loved their precious child.

I am convinced that we will never find an answer to this question, at least on this side of Heaven. All we can do is continue to believe that God is good. God is sovereign. And His ways are so much higher than our own.

Last night I went into Landon's room, grabbed him out of his crib, held him and continued to sob.

I sobbed because I was holding my child when another family was longing for just one more embrace.

I'm writing this because Hope is now completely healed and safe in the presence of her Savior. She no longer has to wait for a new chance at life, but please join me in lifting up the family and loved ones she has left behind. 

Hope blessed this world for 13 short months, but her sweet little life has made an eternal impact on so many. Hope now has a whole heart, but her absence has left a huge void in so many hearts here on Earth.

Pray for her mama, her daddy, her big sister Sadie and everyone else who loved her deeply. The Koslowski's have been fighting for their daughter for so long. Pray that God finally gives their hearts and minds rest and peace.

I also want to encourage each of you to allow Hope's life to touch your own. Open your eyes today to the miracles God has placed right in front of you. Don't wait till tragedy strikes and all you're left with are empty arms and a heart full of regret. 

Life is so short... and all we can take with us into eternity are the lives that we touch.

Thank you sweet Hope for touching so many lives. Thank you for shining God's light and teaching us all what really matters. You fought so hard little one. My heart wants to be glad that you are finally in complete peace, but the world seems a little darker without you here. 

Landon will grow up hearing about the little heart buddy that he had and what a fighter she was. We are so glad that you are finally safe in the arms of your father, but you will forever be missed precious one.

Till we meet in paradise, good-bye sweet Hope.

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