Tuesday, May 14, 2013


I'm back!

I feel like that statement is true in more ways than one.

Yes, I am back to blogging, but I also feel like "I'm" back.

I finished up my last assignments on Friday night and on Saturday morning I woke up early (4am early), my body didn't get the memo that school is over and I no longer have to wake up at insane hours of the morning... or is that still considered night... Anyways, I woke up early, did some cleaning, and then went for a run.

It wasn't long before my head started to clear. I breathed the crisp morning air in deeply and just let all the built up stress and tension go. I dropped a heavy load somewhere in Sertoma park that morning. I was listening to spotify radio and the Newsboys song "I am free" came on. I laughed out loud!! No song could of been more fitting. I finally felt "free to run"... free to live again.

This last semester of school has been brutal on me. I don't know exactly when it happened, but sometime in the past three months I got sucked into a constant state of stress, exhaustion, busyness, and guilt. I didn't want to be there, I tried to prioritize and find some semblence of balance, but no matter what I tried, it didn't seem to work. I know some people love being busy, but let me just say, it is NOT for me.

It drained me...

Am I glad I stuck with it and graduated? Yes, yes, a million times YES!! I am beyond glad that I finished what I started.

It took my five years, 43 courses, 1 internship, tons of coffee, many late nights and countless rude alarm awakenings but it was all worth it because I am GRADUATED!!!

I now have my Bachelors of Science degree in Psychology: Christian Counseling with a minor in Biblical Studies. I have no idea what I am going to do with it, but I know that God has a plan and His timing is ALWAYS perfect.

Right now, I am just looking forward to being mama... for a very long time :)

I'm looking forward to slowing down.

The other day I actually went out on the balcony and read a book, not because I "had" to, but because I "wanted" to.

There was something very healing about that :)

When your extremely busy you can't see the blessings that are right in front of you or maybe you can see them, you just can't truly enjoy them.

This last weekend was one of celebration in our home! I was finally able to slow down, breathe deeply, and soak in every ounce of this blessed life of mine again.

Ryan got a babysitter for Saturday night and took me out to celebrate

just the two of us.

When we got to the restaurant the hostess asked us if there was something going on that we were dressed up for. Ryan informed her that it was going to be Mothers day the next day and that I'm a mother and we were there to celebrate me. He got a couple "awwwww's" from the women standing around us and I was reminded once again that I am married to an insanely amazing man. 

 After dinner we walked around the capitol grounds, laughed together, and just talked about our life, how wonderful it feels to have come through such a long tunnel and how bright our future looks from where we are standing.

I seriously could not have graduated without Ryan's support and encouragement. I have not been a pleasant person to live with for the last couple weeks (months), but he never failed to comfort and encourage me. 

Our love grows stronger through every trial and hardship we face. 

 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. James 1:2-3

I will joyfully face every trail with you baby, knowing that everything we face is what makes our love so real. Every storm of this life only grows our roots deeper and entangles them more into each other, making us more capable of taking on whatever comes our way.

My hero and my very best friend.

 The next day was Mothers day!!

I thought I knew what this holiday was all about growing up, but it has found a new meaning and purpose in my heart now that I am a mother myself.

It has become one of my very favorite days. It may even rank higher than my birthday simply because I love sharing it with so many amazing women around the world.

We had an amazing time of worship and fellowship and then went home and spent most of the day outside.

Ryan made a wonderful lunch for us on the balcony (yes, it was pizza :)

I was armed with my camera all day so I didn't miss a moment...

I was too busy snapping photos to notice what it was that caught Landon's eye..

It was a glass of water...

I caught the glass right before Landon dumped it on himself, but the glass wobbled a bit and spit water all over his face.

It was one of those moments where Ryan and I are laughing hysterically and Landon thinks it's hysterical that we are laughing. He is completely oblivious that he is the source of the belly aching laughter that's going on which just makes it all the more funny.

Am I a blessed mama?

OH you better believe it!!

A week ago Landon absolutely detested the grass...

The only way I could get him to touch it was by tempting him with something shiny


That was then...

This is now (Mothers Day)...

I think one of the greatest joys of motherhood is watching your child discover the world. 

I love getting a front row seat to Landon's story. 

Seeing him discover what he likes, what he dislikes, overcoming his fears, challenging his body to try new things that it has never done before... that little man just amazes me.

He takes on everyday with a smile and an inexplicable joy.

He is going to change the world someday... he's already changed ours :)

I am so hopelessly head over heals in love with this little baldy.

 Words can't express how thankful I am to be his mama

When we make kissy sounds now, he will lean in till his skin feels our love... melt my heart!!
So my Mothers day was wrapped in cuddles, covered in slobbery kisses, and resounded of squeaky giggles.

My brain was clear for the first time in months and my heart was OH so FULL.

But in the midst of the perfection were moments of deep sorrow and longing.

I cherish every second I have, knowing that our small family is about to change, but I also ache with longing. I know the change is coming quickly, but it could never be too soon for my heart.

We are so ready for our boys to be with us. They are never far from our thoughts and we talk about them as if, they are only gone at a friends for a sleepover and will be back anytime.

It is a great mystery that you can miss so terribly someone you have never met.

It is unbelievable how you can talk for hours about someone you have never truly known.

Ryan confessed to me the other day that he had to fill out a survey for work and when asked how many children he has, he put 3 without a second thought.

They are ours.

We just need to bring them home.

My dearest Ivan and Levi,

Yesterday mama celebrated being your mama. Papa and your baby brother made sure it was a beautiful day, in fact it was perfect in every way... except one... you were not here with us. You were not here to roll around in the grass with us, chase the ball, or ride in the wagon. You were not here to accept all of the love that we have bottled up just waiting to pour out on you.

If you were here mama would have taken each of you aside for a couple minutes, rocked you on my lap and just soaked in the wonder and pure blessedness that you are mine and I am yours.

I know I will have next year, but that is very far away and right now all mama's heart can think of are the little moments that I am missing with you.

I watch your brother grow and change... we rejoice over each new discovery that he makes or silly little thing that he learns, but with every joy mama feels a tinge of sorrow for the moment that I have missed with you, not seeing you learn that new thing, or grow in that way. There is no way that we could of found you sooner. Mama has accepted that God's timing is absolutely perfect, but please know my darlings that every moment we have been apart, God has been the glue that has connected our hearts. I didn't notice it till I saw your precious faces, but you have always been ours, ever since the day your Abba made you.

Rest tight tonight my precious ones for we are not far from our glorious union.

With unconditional love,
Your mama


  1. <3<3 I love reading your blog. It gives such a fresh outlook on life! I hope one day our sweet little Owen is able to meet your three little guys. :)

  2. Congratulations on your graduation! and Happy Mother's Day (late)!