Bed Rest and Bringing in the New Year.

Ryan and I have brought in 5 New Years together as a family, but none quite like last night's...

The first one I was pregnant with Landon and had just found out about his heart defect. Our world was spinning and yet we still took the time to play games, reflect on our blessings, and make yummy food.

The second we had just accepted God's calling on our lives to adopt and would announce it to the world the first day of 2013. Our adoption journey was not without it's trials and tears, but in Nov. 2013 we would welcome home our beautiful eldest son and our world would never be the same.

We call 2014 "our year off" because it's the only year we have not welcomed another child into our family, but truth be told, 2014 was far from easy. A miscarriage, change of jobs for Ryan, I went back to work part time, we bought our house, and then we ended the year by beginning yet another adoption process...

Yes, I can look back on each year and recall the beautiful blessings, the challenging moments, and the transformation and change that every trial and heart breaking experience has brought about, but 2015 may take the cake for years of transformation for our family, especially for this mama.

I would title 2015 as my year of "letting go". It has been a theme that has showed up pretty consistently throughout my calendar year and sometimes even came as a reminder from my amazing man, with Disney song lyrics and all..

It's not been an easy concept for this mama to grasp.

My default is perfectionism.

My default is trying to do things on my own.

I hide behind my introversion, my goals, my schedules and God has taken me to places this past year that my soul wouldn't have survived in isolation, although at first, you better believe I tried.

With four littles all under the developmental age of 4, 2 newly adopted kiddos (one with significant trauma to heal from and one with a major heart surgery to survive), and ANOTHER baby on the way, it became pretty clear that 2015 was either going to make or break me physically, emotionally, mentally, and I would even say spiritually.

In all the years passed I have struggled at times with bouts of anger and doubt towards God and the plan He continues to reveal for my life, but in 2015 God brought me to really a breaking point of my faith where I was either going to resent Him for where all of our trusting and all of our "yeses" had brought us or I was going to accept His plan no matter how difficult it may be and trust that even in the midst of the "daily hard", the stress, and occasional devastating news and seemingly impossible decisions, He is still good and this life He has built for us, although hard, is miraculously beautiful.

I feel like I'm entering this New Year as a new person, and yet I'm almost ashamed to admit I still struggle with this concept of letting go and trusting God. Just when I think I've got a handle on it and I'm finally okay with the imperfections, the unplanned, the hard moments that are so inevitable in this life, God will bring yet another challenge into our lives and just like that I feel the pull to behave like my tantrumming toddler.

I stomp my feet at my good Father and tell Him "NO!"

I sulk and whine and come up with every possible reason why He is wrong, why I can't do what He is asking of me.

Raising a 3 and 4 year old boy I run into this scenario on a daily basis. The struggle of teaching them obediance and trust when it goes against what they may think is right or fun in that moment. I want so badly for them to realize that mama and daddy have their best interest in mind, that we love them, and that truly what we are asking of them (for example, to put away the crayons they were playing with 10 min ago or to wait on getting juice so we can all have a special treat at dinner time just 30 min in the future) truly is not that hard, but in their minds it seems catastrophic at times and it's our job as parents to help them navigate those emotions in a healthy manner and obey even when they may not understand why. As Christians we want to instill obedience in our children because we know that in their lives they will have to abide by rules, whether it be at school, a job, and most importantly, in their personal spiritual walk with God.

It's so easy for me to get frustrated with our boys. It's tempting to scream, "because I told you so" and leave it at that, but I've learned this past year that is not how God parents us and that is not how I want to reflect His tender love to my children. Yes, there are times when direct and immediate obedience is a must, but in most cases my children are fighting the very same struggle their mama is.

I struggle with truly accepting and believing with my whole heart and being that God has my best interest always in mind. I have different plans for my day (my life) than God may ask of me and whether it's something small like not making the perfect Christmas breakfast or something major like having another baby or giving up my dream of homeschooling all my children, it's my job to trust that God is still good and will work everything out for my good in His perfect time.

I let go of a lot of things in 2015, some small expectations that I didn't even realize I had for myself and some major dreams and fears that I've clung to for a very long time, but as I entered 2016 last night it was very obvious to me that I still have a long way to go when it comes to letting go and trusting God... it's a never ending journey I think that wont end until we take our last breath, but with each "yes", with each victory, we come closer to the freedom Jesus died for us to have.

Because maybe God never meant for us to live our lives through the filters of instagram.

Maybe we're supposed to admit that we are all just messes that only God could do anything good or worth while with.

Maybe it's okay to see yourself in the eyes of your devastated three year old who had his heart set on the green cup and received a blue one instead...

I'm not trying to undermine what we go through, believe me, I know this life is hard and God knows it too, in fact, He's more aware of the evil and pain of this life than our minds could ever concieve, but He calls us to one thing and that is faith.

Faith that He loves us and will never let us go.

Faith that He can redeem any tragedy, loss, and wound that we have endured.

Faith that if we get up each day and trust Him with whatever may come, He will lift our burdens and make us overcomers.

It's kind of fitting that my year of "letting go" would end with me being on bed rest. Just when I feel like I'm getting a handle on things, have a plan, and I'm feeling prepared for what's coming next, God throws me yet another curve ball to challenge my faith and prepare my heart and soul for what I don't even know I will need.

At my 32 week appointment this past Wednesday I brought up how I've been feeling lately and that I don't remember feeling this way when I was pregnant with Landon. My doctor checked me and confirmed that I was indeed experiencing early signs of labor and my body and baby were gearing up for an early entrance into this world.

She then put me on bed rest for a week and will check me again next week to see if things are still progressing or if baby has slowed down and everything looks fine.

At first I have to say, I didn't really take her seriously...

Bed rest, so that's like laying on the couch and letting the kids watch more tv than normal right Lord?" I think I can handle that... I'll do my best.

"So how does one do bed rest with 4 little kids, I asked my doctor."

I instantly regretted asking this question as soon as I saw the serious look in her face.

"They get help."

She must of noticed the concerned look in my face because she went on to tell me that I'm allowed to get up to go to the bathroom and get myself food, but besides that she wants me laying on my side in my bed.

"Do you have anyone who can come help you or take your kids?"

I think my deer in the headlights expression said it all so she just wrapped up our visit and told me to wait for the nurse to come in to administer the first round of steroid shots that baby girls lungs will need if she was to come very soon.

I left the clinic with a limp (those shots are not pleasant) and a little in shock as to what just took place. "bed rest" and my life don't go together.

What are you thinking Lord!!

These are my last weeks to prepare, to nest, to work before maternity leave... bed rest.

We have the most amazing friends and community and almost as soon as I shared the news, I was getting texts and messages from people offering to watch our kids and bring us meals.

God never ceases to amaze me with the generosity of His body here on this earth. It's easy to watch the news and think the whole world has gone down the tubes, but there is still so many people walking around and taking up oxygen on this planet who demonstrate the sacrificial love of God on a daily basis.

We are so grateful to share life with some of those people.

I wish I could leave it at just being grateful and accepting the blessings that God so generously gives, but it's still so hard for me to accept help. We have had to rely on others during so many seasons of our  lives. I still have absolutely no idea how we paid for two 30k adoptions in two years. I know it wasn't us, it was God using His body to prove to us that He will never call us to something only to leave us hanging by ourselves, even though that is exactly what it may feel like at times. There have been months where we have paid our bills with money that has come in the mail from almost strangers.

It's so humbling and so mind blowing how God provides for His children...

and yet I still cling to my need for independence.

I don't want you to come over and see my sink full of dirty dishes, unshowered messy bun, or unfolded laundry strewn across my living room, but this is exactly what God has been working for 4 years to break in me. Even more so than what the external eye can see, I don't want you to see my fears, the anger I spew at my kids sometimes, the ugliness that I have in me that I try so desperately to cover up with confidence and a completed to do list.

Life is so much more beautiful without the constant fear that our true reality will show, our makeup will rub off, or that mask we're hiding behind will start to slip off our faces.

So this is my New Years challenge to you...

You can take it for all it's worth or leave it here and dismiss it as the mindless ramblings of a prego woman stuck in bed, that's entirely up to you.

Would you make 2016 your year of letting go?

This doesn't mean you have to stop using instagram or pinterest, but it does mean we have to continually check ourselves to make sure the lie of perfectionism isn't sinking into our hearts.

Jesus was all the perfect this world needed.

We lie to ourselves when we think we can reach perfect without His grace.

We are striving and striving and striving to be these people that have it all together, when what I've found is that God just wants us to admit that we are falling apart so He can break us even more and then create something so much more beautiful than we could imagine... something real.

I hope and pray you don't have to be summoned to bed to learn this lesson, but maybe a spiritual bed rest wouldn't be a bad place to start.

I encourage you to pray about it and seek out what that may look like for you.

Besides birthing a baby this coming year and finding a new normal as a family of 7, my goal is to continue this journey of letting go and resting in God's love and perfect plan for my life.

I know it gives false promises of security and beauty, but I can tell you that a filtered, perfect, life is really just a trap of loneliness that satan uses to keep us away from real freedom... real community... real life.


The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10


For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it Matthew 16:25

So I tried for over an hour to make a video slideshow on imovie, but it wasn't working for me so I had to just let it go. So instead you get a video off of youtube and a boatload of unfiltered pictures that showcase some of the big and small moments we experienced in 2015.

This was us bringing in the New Year last night. About as unfiltered as it comes :) Wouldn't trade that man and all the memories 2015 holds for us for anything.

So here's to a New Year...

To letting go...

Surrendering...

and looking a little more like Jesus this time next year!!

Christmas letter 2015

I can hardly believe that the end of another year is almost upon us! In my ideal world you would all personally receive a beautiful Christmas card and letter from our family, thanking you for your support and love throughout the year, but sadly time and money don't allow that so this blog will have to suffice.

What a year it has been...

As we were making the long drive to MN yesterday I kept thinking back to this time last Christmas. We were in the very beginnings of our adoption process and I spent the majority of our drive making burlap wreaths.

My heart is filled with such awe this Christmas as the two children that we were dreaming of one day holding this time last year, are now safe, loved like crazy, and getting to experience the magic of Christmas in a family for the very first time. I am also thankful there's no blisters on my hands this year from working tirelessly on fundraising projects. Last year the mountain looked so big, so impossible, but it was nothing compared to the relentless love of our God for His children.

Here is a little update on all us Maxwell's before we close the chapter of another year and excitedly enter a new one.

 

Ivan Abraham (8) Probably the biggest change for Ivan, besides welcoming his new brother and sister this year has been starting school. It was very difficult for me to put him on that big bus, but school is proving to be a huge blessing to him and to our whole family. You will never meet a child who loves school more!! While the other children try to sleep on his early morning bus ride, he gets on yelling “Good morning!! I go to school today!!” He is in a regular kindergarten class most of his day and then goes to a different room for therapies and to work on specific things. His teachers and therapists all love him and can’t believe what a hard worker he is. His favorite classes are art, computer, and music. He’s learning to write his letters and his name. We could not be more proud of our boy and look forward to new milestones this coming year.

Our cat, Lexi decided to get in our Christmas photos without us noticing.

  Gresham Allister (4) It is very hard to believe this boy has only been with us for such a short time (came home in July). Him and Landon are best friends and Landon refuses to play without him, which can cause some controversy now that Gresham is learning he has his own voice and he doesn’t always want to do what Landon wants. He is a little peanut and only weighed 20 Ibs when we brought him home. He is still tiny, but is starting to put on a little weight and has already grown a couple pants sizes. He really wants to learn whatever he can and constantly asks what things are or what we’re doing. He is soaking up all the information and his English is rapidly expanding. We were overjoyed to find out that his heart is in a very good condition and wont need any interventions any time soon. He will be having surgery on his droopy eyelid this coming Summer, but after that we don’t anticipate anymore surgeries. He is such a sweet and fun little boy. He has added so much to our family and truly now we can't imagine life before our rambunctious "twins".

Landon Anthony (3) And then there’s our Landon. Oh this boy!! It is so fun watching him grow up. His personality just seems to get more exuberant each year. He is our early riser and wakes up each morning with an energy and excitement for the day that is almost too much to stand, (especially before having my morning coffee). He never stops talking and has no concept of what it means to whisper despite how hard we try to teach him. He constructs the most elaborate tracks for his cars and trains, loves doing puzzles, and quizzing/teaching Gresham the names of animals and construction equipment. He is our comedian child and always has Ryan and I laughing. He just loves life and we love life with this crazy little boy!!

  
EmarieJoy (2) That first pic of our princess didn't make the actual Christmas card this year, but I can't resist including it here because it is one of her favorite faces to make, she was just so happy to get a pretzel haha!! This girl was named appropriately as joy truly does just radiate from her. She mostly goes by Emma now as that is what all her big brothers call her. She has been doing amazing since her heart surgery in November and clearly looks and feels SO much better. She is starting to pull up to standing all by herself and those little legs are getting stronger by the day. She is a total mama's girl, but she loves being silly with her daddy and playing peek-a-boo or getting tickles from her adoring brothers. She knows many signs, but is starting to use words as well. I can't believe how much she has changed in 5 months! She is already starting to lose her babiness and is quickly growing into the little toddler she should be... right in time to take on that big sister title :)

Ryan, me, and baby #5 Ryan is still really enjoying his job at CW structural and has turned into quite the handy man at home. His latest project has been expanding the boys' room and making them bunk beds. I still work at Dunn Bros a couple nights a week, which I love. I'll be taking a break once baby is born, but just until we find our new normal and Ryan feels comfortable putting FIVE kiddos to bed (He is the bedtime master in our home!) We're busy getting everything ready for our new addition to make her entrance in February. If you were to ask me three weeks ago how I was feeling about this pregnancy I would of said it's going too fast, but now at 31 weeks we are all feeling ready for baby girl to come and join our crazy clan.

This past year has not been without it's grueling challenges and shocking surprises, but through it all we have experienced God's presence with us.

Immanuel, "God with us."

That is the reason we celebrate this time of year.

Without that knowledge and belief I truly doubt our family would have survived 2015.

And that is the reason we can look forward to 2016 with hopeful hearts.

I don't know how your year has been. I suspect, like ours, it was a mixture of joyous times and many really hard and long days, but my prayer for each of you who reads this blog would be that you would discover the true depth of Immanuel.

God with us.

Not just as a baby born in a dirty manger, but with us in our everyday messy lives.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from our family to yours!!

Love, the Maxwell's

My thoughts on fear

There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear, 1 John 4:18

It's been a while since I've written a blog post that wasn't just an update about our family.

It's been a quite a while since I've reached down into my heart and pulled out words that strip me of my safety and make me vulnerable and open to disagreement and criticism.

Actually I really try to stay away from posts like this because I don't like blurting out which side of the fence I fall on when it comes to controversial topics. I feel like usually it doesn't matter and just creates disunity.

BUT I'm stuck in a hospital room with my sweetie who is still sleeping off surgery, pain, and meds, which leaves me with a lot of time to just do nothing. As a busy mama of 4 I dream of being bored most days, but now all I want is the comfort of the craziness of my home and family.

Yet here I am, finding myself in the unfamiliar territory of boredom which is leading me to check my facebook way more than usual.

What I am seeing/reading is just absolutely making me sick.

We are living in scary times there is no denying that, but I am seeing people on my friends list eating people alive with their words.

I hear the panic and the fear.

and I get it, believe me I get it. Every time I watch the news I vow that my children will never again leave the four walls of our house...

 but then I remember that I don't have to live in fear because I know the God who created the entire universe and holds it in His hand.

I remember that I say, I believe God is in control of my life and all of my days are in His hands.

My times are in your hands; deliver me from the hands of my enemies, from those who pursue me. Psalm 31:15

I remind myself what God has to say about fear...

There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18

Surely the righteous will never be shaken; they will be remembered forever. They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord. Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear

It goes on to say... listen closely and let these truths crowd out the fear that's fighting to take root in your heart.

In the end they will look in triumph on their foes. They have freely scattered their gifts to the poor, their righteousness endures forever; their horn will be lifted high in honor. The wicked will see and be vexed, they will gnash their teeth and waste away; the longings of the wicked will come to NOTHING. Psalm 110:6-10

and I remember what the Bible has to say about evil...

Do not be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans:12:21

And when I'm overcome with the weight of the brokenness and neediness of this world, I recall that Jesus broke down all of my responsibilities into two things...

Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together.  One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question:  “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments. Matthew 22:34-37

Both of those commands have something in common, did you catch it?

LOVE.

If you call yourself a follower of Jesus Christ then you are called to LOVE.

Radical LOVE

LOVE that reaches beyond our borders.

LOVE that is HARD.

What kind of lunatic would say we should love our... ENEMY??

But I tell you love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. Matthew 5:44


That would be my Jesus...

My heart wants to scream. No Lord, that doesn't make any sense!!

 I need to fight my enemy.

 I need to do everything in my power to keep my enemy away.

And almost as soon as I think those things I'm reminded that I was once an enemy of the cross.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

When I was but an outcast with no way to reach the safety of God's holiness, Jesus risked it all and came to my rescue. By dying on the cross Jesus broke down every barrier of evil and on that day LOVE won forever.

This Jesus...

He just keeps wrecking the safe little world I keep trying to make for myself... my family.

When He calls us to radical love, He doesn't accept the excuse that we have enough on our plates already.

Because we have to believe that HE is ENOUGH.

HIS LOVE IS BIG ENOUGH..

Yes, we are American's and I do feel a responsibility to protect this great nation that I love, but first and foremost I am a follower of Christ and that should mean that I choose to LOVE every opportunity I get.

The purpose of terrorism is to instill terror in people.

And from what I'm seeing in my newsfeed, it's working right now.

My dear brothers and sisters...  If you call yourself a Christian, don't forget that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7 We don't have to panic and we don't have to fear bad news. We don't have to fear for our children's futures. If you're scared, cast your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

The world needs the hope we carry more now than every before and they are looking to us to see how we are responding. It saddens my heart so much that what they are seeing is fear, anger, and retaliation. Instead of love they are seeing panic and the outcry for walls of protection.

I get that we want to protect our country... our home... but even that goes against what we're called to as believers. 

 Our citizenship is in Heaven.

I am sorry, but I haven't seen anywhere in scripture where Jesus calls us to strive for safe lives. 


He calls us to lay down our lives in love for others...


Even when it's scary, even when it hurts, even when it may seem like it puts our family at risk...


but He promises that HE will be our REFUGE.


Not our country... HIMSELF. 


I know it's scary to look outside and see so much darkness, but take heart...


The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:5

This is not the time to fight those who think differently than you. It's not the time to argue. 

This is not the time to live IN FEAR.

Now is the time to live OUT LOVE.

Now is the time to cling to hope and be ready to give an answer to everyone who see's that we have hope in the face of this great time of fear.
  
but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect. 1 Peter 3:15

Gentleness and respect... also something I'm not seeing a lot of on social media right now.

I'm going to end this long post with one more thing that I just can't get around.

I keep hearing the argument from Christians that we shouldn't let refugees into our country because we can't even take care of the people/homeless we have right now.

I get this... it makes sense. 

There are great needs in our country right now... but my issue with this is... it conflicts with my personal experience with God's calling on my life.

When we first announced that we were going to travel across the ocean, adopt Ivan, and bring him home to America, we got some feedback that really surprised me.

Why do you need to go all the way over there to adopt, don't you know we have kids here in the states that need families.

Why do you need to fund raise for your adoption. If you don't have the money to adopt then you shouldn't be doing it. 

Aren't you scared for Landon? Ivan could have all sorts of issues. I know this one family that adopted a child who ended up being really violent.

 The words themselves were not surprising. I was mainly surprised by who said them...

People who claimed to be followers of Christ.

I thought about everything they said and to be honest, we were terrified to begin the adoption journey God called us to, but God was bigger than all those fears. We didn't have all the answers, but we knew if we met every unknown question with unconditional, radical love... the rest was in God's hands.

I feel like the answer to all the questions and concerns about welcoming refugees can be answered with unconditional, radical love.

Yes, our country has great needs already, but God is bigger than every need. We as Christians, need to open our hearts to hearing His voice about how we can meet the needs outside the walls of our homes, whatever they may be. 

Is there a chance that we could welcome a terrorist in with the refugees? 

Of course. 

There's always been a chance that a terrorist could be hiding next door, but we can't live in fear and we can't let fear drive our decisions and hold us back from being a refuge for those who are being persecuted. 

Just like how we couldn't let the fear that Ivan could grow up to be a serial killer keep us from making him a part of our family and saving his life.

Just like how I can't let the fear of someone bringing a gun to my child's elementary school keep me from putting him on the bus each morning.

Just like how I can't let my fear of passing semis on the interstate keep me from ever traveling anywhere.

Just like how we couldn't let our fear of losing our daughter drive us to refuse her heart the healing it needed.

This life is scary... God knows that and that is why He promises to walk with us through every fear, every trial, every tragedy, every moment of bad news that takes your breath away... He is our God and He is the God of the Fatherless, the widow, the brokenhearted, the poor, the homeless, the outcasts, the slave, and He is the God of the refugee.
 
For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes. ¹⁸ He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing. ¹⁹ And you are to love those who are foreigners, for you yourselves were foreigners in Egypt. Deuteronomy 10:17-18

The need will always be great.

Darkness will always be present.

God's LOVE will always be ENOUGH.

Progress

It has been 4 whole days post surgery and what a whirlwind those 4 days have been.

The first day after surgery was just horrible. Baby girl was restless, angry, and scared out of her mind. It was so hard to watch her go through the pain and confusion.

The next day was SO much better. She was so exhausted from the day before that she just had no more energy left to fight. She was able to rest and just seemed much more calm. She kept us on our toes though. When I got back to her ICU room after getting lunch, we realized she was beginning to pull out her central line in her neck. This is a big deal since she was getting the majority of her meds through that line and it could cause some major complications if the line was pulled out completely. Within seconds 7 doctors were in her tiny little room rapidly putting their masks, gowns, and hats on, and spewing out medical jargon that quickly made me very nervous. They had to give Emma sedatives that knocked her out almost immediately.

Thankfully, she hadn't pulled her line out completely so they were able to just rewire it. The whole thing took about 45 min. and by the end of it I felt like I was ready to pass out. I don't think pregnant women are supposed to wear those masks because I felt like I couldn't breathe, but I couldn't bring myself to leave the room.

Once everything was fixed and it was clear that EmarieJoy was fine again, I walked back to the Ronald McDonald house, collapsed into my bed and tears just started flowing.

The incident with the central line reminded me how quickly everything can change. It is so hard to just stand at a distance and trust strangers to keep your baby safe and stable.

It was also a tough day because EmarieJoy just wasn't responding to things the way the doctors thought she should be. In the words of her surgeon, "she just isn't following the rules." She was fighting a fever since coming out of the OR so they were trying to figure out why and it seemed whenever they gave her meds to help her in one area her body would react in a way that it shouldn't. They just couldn't get her fever and her blood pressure under control.

She was kind of leaving the doctors scratching their heads so they started to think outside the box and looking into the possibility that Emma could have something else going on that we weren't aware of, making her body react in the way it was. So they called in an endocrinologist and an infectious disease specialist.

So the first two days after surgery were pretty tough for my little munchkin and maybe even harder on this mama.

Praise the Lord all the tests came back normal the next day, along with a good echo which confirmed that her heart wasn't having any complications from surgery.

Slowly all the things we were most concerned about started getting better. On Friday night her fever broke and all of a sudden her blood pressure started to stay where it should be on its own so they began weaning her off of the many blood pressure meds she was on.

Yesterday and today were full of PROGRESS!!

Before I left the hospital tonight they had just turned off the LAST med Emma was on. Today they were also able to remove the IV in her arm, her catheter, AND her oxygen!!!

All of the prayers for our sweet girl are definitely being answered! Her body did not react well to all the changes after surgery, but slowly it is adjusting and her little body is healing.

Her spunky joyful personality is also returning and it's the best thing ever to hear her laugh and see her smile again.

On Friday I tried holding her, but she was still kind of restless and upset.

She really perked up when she saw her great auntie and big cousins.

Today she FINALLY started to get her appetite back. She ate a little for breakfast, lunch, and dinner!!

She got to go on a couple wagon rides today. She was so happy to get out of her room for a while.

Playing with toys today

 We can't thank each of you enough for remembering our girl in your prayers. God's strength is carrying us through this emotional time and it's been so incredible to watch the healing take place these last couple days. We are really hoping to get EmarieJoy's chest tube out tomorrow and then it's just making sure her body can function on it's own. There's talk of us moving to the step down unit in the next couple days, but it sounds like they may just decide to keep Emma in the ICU so they can monitor her more and just discharge her from here.

My hope and prayer is that we can go home by the weekend. A couple days ago that didn't look possible, but our spunky girl has made so much progress these past couple days :)

Update on Emma

Yesterday was the first day after surgery and it was a tough one. Baby girl was very scared and restless. She didn't allow herself to sleep all day long.

I was so happy to come this morning and see a sleeping beauty.

She is much calmer today and dozing off and on just like she should be.

She has had a fever since coming out of surgery. They weren't too concerned yesterday, but since she still has one today they seem to be a little more concerned. During rounds this morning they discussed it and the possibility of infection or some kind of complication of the heart.

An echo was ordered to rule out any issue with her heart.

Thankfully, the echo looked "really good" so we were able to rule out any post surgery complication. Her temp is likely due to the little cold she had before surgery. It's nothing of major concern right now it will likely just keep us in the ICU a little longer as it's taking longer to wean her off all the meds and oxygen.

Thank you for all your prayers, support, and encouragement.

It is such a relief to see her resting today.

The plan for today is to try to lower her oxygen a little and maybe try to wean her off some meds, but it seems like they are wanting to just take things really slow so we'll see.

My sleeping beauty this morning

Surgery Day

Well it's finally here... I've been dreading this day ever since we were told months ago that EmarieJoy would need open heart surgery to correct and repair her heart.

Even though we've been through this 3 times with Landon and we are familiar with how the routine goes, it never gets any easier.

I still feel numb and restless at the same time.

My baby isn't here with us right now and the next time I see her she will seem like an empty shell of the joyful spunky little girl we know and love... there's no getting around it... this is just hard, heartbreaking even.

There have been so many circumstances over the past year that have just seemed like too much to bear and this is definitely one of them.

We have no choice but to be brave and push through though.

We have three little boys that need us to be strong for them and a little girl who needs us to be brave for her now more than ever.

I am learning that so much of life is bitter sweet.

It's celebrations in the midst of suffering.

It's finding joy even in the middle of sorrowful, hard times.

It's finding out your daughter needs open heart surgery the same week you find out your holding another beautiful baby girl in your womb.

It's battling through hard financial times while at the same time experiencing eternal blessings on a daily basis.

I'm learning not to run from the trials we experience, but rather embrace them, knowing that they go hand in hand with the blessings and gifts God bestows on us. Maybe they even "are" the blessings and gifts at times.

Knowing this is true doesn't make the hard times any easier to bear though.

Trusting God with the outcome, doesn't shield my heart from the pain of the moment.

Thankfully God never tells us that faith is the absence of fear or that trust comes only when we aren't aware of the pain.

He knows this life is hard and unfair. He knows we are going to bleed from the pain of this world, it's going to hurt, and we're going to be left with scars.

He doesn't promise us a sedative to get through our time here, He promises us His presence.

His presence in the midst of the pain and heartbreak.

And that's the truth we cling to on days like today when the weight of this world's brokenness threatens to absolutely destroy our hearts and our joy.

These next 24 hours are going to be hard.

These next weeks are going to be hard.

We covet your prayers so much. Yes, prayers for healing. Yes, prayers for strength and bravery, but more than anything pray that we would be continually aware of God's presence in the midst of all this hard. We know He is the One holding our baby girl right now and we know she couldn't be in more capable hands.

Right before she was taken back to the OR

I know most of you are wondering what exactly Emma is having done today so I will try my best to explain it.

Today's surgery will hopefully accomplish 5 things.

They are patching a hole between her right and left ventricle and her right and left atrium

They are removing the pulmonary band she had placed when she had surgery in Ukraine and repairing the damage she has on her pulmonary artery

And they are sewing together a hole in her mitral valve.

If all goes as planned and there's no complications during or after surgery we were told that she shouldn't need anymore surgeries in the future.

This is a complex surgery and because of some of the repairs they are doing, they wont want to extubate her today like they normally would. They told us it will likely be two days before she's extubated which makes our recovery time longer as well. We were originally told she would be in the hospital 5 to 7 days for recovery and now it's 7 to 10 days.

Surgery began at 8:38a

I will try to keep updating the blog, but it's much easier to just update through facebook so I appologize for those of you who purely follow the blog.

We cannot thank you all enough for your support and love these last couple weeks. God's hand has been so evident this entire trip and even though we're scared and this is all hard to go through, we truly have a peace in knowing that God is in control.