Thursday, March 20, 2014

Redemption of the heart

First of all, sorry this has taken so long. I should of updated facebook, but I never feel like trying to fit my feelings and thoughts about the day into a short status update.

Today was one of those days when God shows up in the most unlikely places.

We were praying and waiting for God to show up for Ivan today and he most definelty did, but I can't help but feel like today was more about "my" heart than my little man's.

Today God allowed me to sit in the same exact room where my whole life changed over 2 years ago. The small room we sat in today during Ivan's echo was the same exact room where I was when the life I once dreamed of and thought I would live was completely stolen from me. It was in that room that I first gained the title of not just "heart mom", but also "mother of a child with special needs." Although I wouldn't accept that title until well after Landon was born... it all started in that small, dark echo room. You don't forget moments like that. That whole day will forever be engraved in my mind and today when I realized where I was it almost felt like returning to the scene of a tragic crime.

Except there was no sorrow...

today I returned to the place where my greatest fear became a reality and I brought joy and laughter into it... and that my friends, brought a healing and redemption to this mama. I didn't know that my heart still needed healing from the trauma it experienced as such a young mom. All I know is that after today, I feel lighter.

Like a hard place in me has now healed.

If you would have told me December 6th 2011 that one day I would be sitting in this room with my newly adopted son, I wouldn't have EVER believed you. All I wanted back then was our "normal" back. We begged and begged and begged God for a miracle to heal Landon, but He never did. I went through a long period of being angry at God.

Today as Landon sat nestled under my chin in his toddler carrier and I pushed my eldest son in the stroller,  during our walk after Ivan's appointment, I just poured out thanksgiving to God. I thanked Him over and over and over again for not answering our prayers. I thanked him for the long hill we've had to climb with Landon because without it we would never have Ivan in our family and I can't even let my mind ponder where Ivan would be today if we hadn't adopted him.

I know that this post isn't what any of you were expecting to read. I know you're probably all yelling at me telling me you just want to know the results of his echo, but I feel like what God showed me today is even more important than the results we heard today.

I say that.... really because... I can.

I can honestly say that God has brought Ryan and I to a place in our lives where we could walk into the heart and lung clinic today praying for good news and longing for a miracle, but determined that we would praise God regardless. Knowing that no matter what we may come up against in this life we will be okay. Not because we are strong, but because our lives are safely rooted in our faith in the One True God.

A God who can take tragedy and use it to make a story more beautiful than words can describe.

A God who felt my pain and comforted me when I yelled at him and told him that He made a mistake.

A God who loves in such a way that He can be present in our momentary pain and yet in the same instant be redeeming it.

I pray that those words lighten your heart and encourage your soul to keep fighting the good fight. You don't know the redemption God has in store for you. You may only be at the begining and can't see anything further than the pain.

Would it be enough for you today that God can see your redemption.

Cling. to. Him.

And don't EVER let go.

Thank you for praying for Ivan's heart. Thank you for praying for a smooth appointment today. All I can say is prayer works!! Ivan did amazing during everything! It was seriously a very joyful day. Ryan and I were so proud of our brave little boy. He melted the nurses hearts and laid still for the echo technician. After the echo was finished we met with Dr. Fernandez who told us exactly what we have been praying for.

Ivan's heart is completely healthy and functioning properly!!

He said the difference in O2 sats was probably his bodies reaction to being under anesthesia and just something we will need to be aware of in the future.

All I can say is praise Jesus!! Praise His sweet sweet name!!

Today was such a precious gift. Not just because of the good news (although Praise God for good news!!), but because I realized that I'm becoming free from the fear of bad news.

When you cling to Jesus through the storms of this life, on the days when the clouds clear, the sun shines more glorious than it ever could without the memory of the rain.

Even in darkness light dawns for the upright,
    for those who are gracious and compassionate and righteous. 
 Good will come to those who are generous and lend freely,
    who conduct their affairs with justice.
 Surely the righteous will never be shaken;
    they will be remembered forever. 
 They will have no fear of bad news;
    their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord. 
 Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear;
Psalm 112

Now for some pictures, just because I can... and I'm a super giddily proud (borderline obnoxious;) mama :)

The other day Landon grabbed Ivan's legs and lifted them up and down while saying "stretch, stretch Ivan"

Landon's learning to pull up his pants, but he doesn't really know when to stop lol

Mr. highwater saggy bum

Brotherly love <3 Melts a mama's heart!!

1 comment:

  1. Natalie, thank you so much for sharing your heart so sincerely........
    It was very real and tremendously special to me to read this post today..because today the title of my devotional (this morning ) was "God never wastes our sorrows"..... And it was basically about Hope in our Redeemer......
    Three months ago I lost my 36 years old baby sister to cancer, ....exactly 3 weeks since we had made it back to USA from Ukraine with our son ( and she was so supportive of our adoption!) ..we had to travel to Chile to her funeral, we buried her on December 25th , in my hometown in the South of Chile ..........since her death, I have been through very deep "down days" very angry at God.....I just couldn't see His purpose......I still,can't see His purpose leaving my 5 years old and my 3 years old nieces without their dear mommy..........they live in Chile, and the distance makes everything even harder to, I don't ask God anymore why(?) or what is His purpose with my sister death ......most of the time , I am thinking of my little nieces. I feel that I will never find peace in my heart, and this immense pain will never stop..........I am just going one day at the time, reading my bible , and doing my devotionals and praying just out of obedience......planning in mi mind a trip to Chile as soon as possible to see and to kiss and hold my nieces in my arms again .
    ...............but, reading your post today has given me some hope , for the first time in three months..........your post has reminded me that our Redeemer lives..........
    Thank you again for sharing this love story of God's Redemption in your life..
    May our Lord bless you and your family always,
    Sincerely ,
    Ines Wallace.