I have been wanting to sit down and write a post for a while now, but every time I try I just have no idea where to start.
I want desperately to capture these last weeks/moments at home, but there are just so many emotions, I can hardly move when I think of the weightiness of it all, let along type something that comes out reflecting the glory and chaos that is overwhelming my heart.
And yet here I am trying...
I realized today that I feel very much the same as I did the last couple days before I had to go live with my aunt near Minneapolis until Landon was born. For those of you, who never followed Landons letters, Landon was born with one of his heart valves completely closed, he would not have lived 24 hours if he didn't receive the correct medicine and surgery soon after his birth.
I remember feeling kind of "out of body" those last couple days before I had to leave the comfort of my home, taking my large belly 6 hours away from his daddy, to wait until he would arrive, not knowing how his life would unfold or how long we would be blessed with his presence in this life.
There was no way to process that because everything was unknown.
That is exactly how I feel now, sure you can read adoption books, devour all the good blogs, ask a million questions to other mama's who have been there done that, but nothing can really prepare you for when it's your turn. Just like watching a baby story can't prepare you for the labor and delivery of the child inside your womb, watching hundreds of adoption gotcha videos (I have completely exhausted youtube) can't fully prepare you for how you're going to feel when the time finally comes for you to walk through the doors that lead you to a child you have been calling your own, but to him you are nothing more than a stranger.
There is just NO WAY to process this thing called adoption.
It is a remarkable journey and a glorious mystery.
It is rooted in the heart of God in that place where our understanding cannot fathom.
Ryan and I find ourselves wishing the days would go faster and then we realize how close we are and sometimes fear cripples us.
We have hoped, prayed, and romanticized about this time for so long and now it is here and we can hardly wrap our minds around it.
We have decided that there is no way we can process it, all we can do is live it.
All we can do is put one foot in front of the other, say our good-byes, walk onto a plane, and give God all the glory as we get to experience His redemptive story unfold before our very eyes.