Introducing Ivan Abraham Maxwell!! (The post you've all been waiting for)

We have officially been home together, as a family of four, for 11 days.

This blog has always been a place for me to share my heart and be vulnerable so I have to confess that these past 11 days have been very VERY hard. Ryan and I have learned that redemption does not take place as soon as the child receives a new name.

Redemption is what we are fighting for every second of every day.

It is tiring.

It is testing our faith beyond everything we can physically see with our eyes and believe with our minds.

Patience has become something I need as much as my very breathe and heartbeat.

I know that I could just show off pictures of our stinkin adorable family and no one would have to know about our trials and intense growing pains, but I believe there is power in humility and honesty.

I have always told myself that I would be open about our life because people need to know that adoption isn't just "rescuing a child". Adoption is "redemption" and redemption does not happen over night.

A part of me wants to announce that everything is awesome, he fits right in, and we can't imagine life without him... and there are definitely moments where we feel those exact things, but there have also been moments of doubt, moments of heartbeak, of anger, of hopelessness, of helplessness, of depression and desperation. I don't want to admit those feelings because I am prideful and I want to prove all the people wrong, who told us that we were ruining our lives by adopting our precious boy.

The truth is though, they were all right.

We have ruined our lives.... at least the life that we once knew.

There is no going back now and at times that is absolutely terrifying, but you know what?

Ryan and I wouldn't trade this new life for anything. Sure, we have had moments where we wonder, what the heck we have done, but that is because we are not God. We cannot see the beautiful outcome of our ruined lives. We cannot see the beauty that God is going to bring from all of the ashes of our selfishness, pride, and longing for perfection. We also cannot yet fully see the beauty that God is going to bring from the ashes of the abandonment, unspeakable neglect, and consuming fear that our little boy has embedded in his heart and brain right now... but we have gotten glimpses of that beauty and like a glimpse of the shekinah glory of God, once you see it,

NOTHING else compares.

NOTHING else matters.

Our life has never been so tiring and hard, but let me tell you, it has also NEVER been more beautiful and fulfilling!!

So without further ado, dearest blog family, please meet our amazing, silly, and incredibly sweet and smart eldest son.

Ivan (pronounced eh-von) Abraham Maxwell (6yr)

Pics from the past 11 days as a family of four!

After almost 24 hours of navigating airports and trying to get through long flights, we finally made it to our destination and could see our family right behind a pane of glass!!

 

One beautiful reunion between a boy and his daddy!

Family of FOUR!!

Strapped in and heading HOME!!

YAY!!! My brother is finally here!!

First night at home... umm Dominos anyone!

He LOVES baths!!

So tiny! But not for long :)

Snuggling with mama before bed

First full day at home. Morning play!

My little bundle of JOY!! Oh how I missed that toothy smile!

He has a little obsession with anything with wheels. Two hands just isn't enough!

yeah, so I'm in love with his eyelashes :)

Learned how to push the lever and make the cars go

He likes to put the car up to his ear and listen to the sound it makes

Learned where to put the car. Little smartie!!

Just two brothers playing with their cars :)

Then Landon decides it's more fun to ride the track haha

Melts my heart EVERYTIME!

He was enthralled with grandma's glasses

Showing grandma where his nose is

He loves the rice bin

A Toby Mac song came on the radio and Landon had to start dancing. Yeah, he is hilariously crazy... we know :)

I was trying to get a picture of uncle Matt with Ivan when Landon came and bent right down to look in the camera lens haha. Love that kid!!

Being silly with Uncle Matt

Loves to be tickled!

More rice bin fun!

This was taken yesterday. Looking at a book together :)

Landon was pointing at his shirt showing him the helicopter.

See I have one too!! We're twinsies!!

I love you brother

I have my hands full in the very best way!!

Okay so here is the update!!

The child we have today hardly resembles the little boy that we carried through our doorway 11 days ago.

The first couple days all Ivan wanted was to be held. Today he still wants to be held all the time, but there are times where he will willingly crawl around, explore, and play with toys. This is HUGE!!

Ivan is still learning how to play. At first, he had no interest in toys, but now he has learned to push a truck, he likes playing with blocks sometimes, and he has just begun to be interested in books!

Everyday he learns new things that would seem so small for most kids but for him, they are huge victories.

When we first brought him home his favorite form of entertainment was banging his head against anything and slamming doors. He will still try to do those things sometimes, but it is not constant anymore which proves that he is learning that he has better uses of his time now.

We are learning and figuring out what he needs together. He was never shown that he has the ability to voice how he feels or what he wants so the communication barrier is much more than just two different languages. Ivan is not used to love, attention, and the ability to make choices for himself. All of these things leave him confused and terribly afraid. Yes, he longs for them, but his heart and brain, don't know how to process them so he will often resort back to what he knows. The only way he knows how to voice his feelings to us is through aggression. It is absolutely the worst kind of heartbreak when you have to watch your child hurt themselves because they just don't know any other normal. I have had to remind myself continually that this is what God goes through for His children and He NEVER gives up on them (me). For 6 years Ivan's only way to cope with life, comfort himself, and stimulate his mind and body have been banging his head on things, biting his hand, grinding hi teeth and pulling his ears.

He doesn't know healthy emotions. Yes, he will laugh when he's tickled, but he also laughs when he gets hurt. 

I can imagine now how we make our Heavenly Father feel when we choose to harm ourselves because we think it will bring comfort and satisfaction. We laugh in His face as our body/heart is left scarred by our self abuse.

And yet God is patient. He does not give up. He does not send us back into the darkness he rescued us out of. 

He continues to love us when we hurt Him.

He continues to draw us toward Himself even when we push Him away.

THIS is adoption.

This is why, I can be honest and truthful about our struggles because I don't care what people may think about us. They can think what they want, Ivan is our son and going through these hard times with him only make us love him more and pray for him harder.

Yesterday we had a breakthrough...

For the first time in his life, Ivan allowed himself to be rocked asleep in the arms of his mama.

Something that every child should have as soon as they leave the comfort of the womb, but this precious little soul has waited SIX YEARS for.

In this moment, looking down at my peacefully sleeping son, the love that overcame my heart was unlike anything I've ever felt before. And in this moment, it didn't matter that just the night before he had bit me so hard I cried or that he laughs incessantly whenever I tell him no. 

In this moment, all that mattered was that he is my son, and I would do absolutely anything to prove to Him that there is NOTHING he can do to make me stop loving him.

THIS is adoption.

Back to the update ;)

He is learning english very quickly. He tries to repeat words constantly. He has the sweetest little voice you've ever heard and it melts my heart everytime he says mama. He calls Landon, Lindin which is adorable! When we tell him "I love you" he says "love you too". He also knows nose, mouth, and ears and knows where they are.

Ivan and Landon seem to be bonding. At first, it was very hard for Landon since Ivan didn't know how to play with him and all he wanted was to be held by me. But they have since shared moments as brothers. Moments in the bath tub, laughing at each other, trying to steal each others food, talking to each other when they should be sleeping, looking at books together, apologizing to one another, and riding on daddy's back together. It is beautiful watching their friendship begin to grow. They know they are brothers and gladly give each other kisses and hugs.  Tonight all four of us were laying in Ivan's bed and Ryan was reading a story. Ivan and Landon were laying next to each other, cuddling and poking each others noses. It was a precious moment, one of those moments, as a mother, that you take a mental picture and hide it in the treasure box of your heart.

Landon is definitely experiencing growing pains, but each day for him seems to get a little easier. In many ways Ivan is like a newborn. He requires constant attention which is growing Landon's compassion, understanding, and kindness. I am so proud of my little man.

Before I share some more pictures, I need to address one more thing... cocooning.  Cocooning is an adoption term used to describe the adjustment period that a family goes through after bringing home an adopted child. Just as a caterpillar cocoons so that it can transform into a butterfly, a family keeps their adopted child protected within the walls of their home for a certain time, so that the child can form healthy attachment to the family and has time to adjust to his/her new life.

Ryan and I have made the hard decision that we will be cocooning for the next three months. This means we will not be taking Ivan anywhere except appointments and short walks outside. This may seem extreme to most people, but we know that this is what is in the best interest of our precious boy. He is very fragile right now, even a small transition can put him over the edge. He is still trying to make sense of his new life and the best way to cement his new reality into his heart and mind is to keep his world very small and protected.

We are sad because this means no traveling to see family for Thanksgiving or Christmas. It also means Ryan and I will be going to different church services for a while, but three months is a short amount of time when we compare it to the health and well being of our son. These next couple months are critical for him. He truly is transforming before our very eyes and we have no doubt that he will be a beautiful new creation as time passes and his wounds begin to heal. We have already seen SO much transformation in just a little over ONE week.

We see him beginning to let down his guard.

He melts in my arms now instead of being tense and excited the whole time.

We are getting glimpses of his true personality and he is SO amazing and sweet.

Just like how a mom begins to decipher her newborns cries and coos, I'm beginning to be able to read Ivan's signals. We have gone two days now without any meltdowns because we've started to understand the warning signs that Ivan shows when he is getting overstimulated, scared, or frustrated.

We can tell that his trust in us is growing.

We are learning  and transforming together.

There is no easy path to redemption. It is messy and it often takes a very long time, but we have already seen that it is worth every hardship. 

The other day I was just staring at him as he was eating and I was brought to tears by the fact that he is mine. Sometimes the majesty of it all just overwhelms me. This little boy who laid in a crib alone for 5 years is now sitting in my home eating his afternoon snack. 

All I can say is, God is good and His ways are so much higher than our ways. His plan is so much better than our wildest dreams. Even in our exhaustion we cannot stop praising God for the precious gift that our Ivan is. We know God's plan for his life is amazing and we can't wait to watch it unfold.

I thought you all might enjoy a sneak peak into our life so here are a couple scenes from the past couple days.

I was making dinner and I look over to see Landon happily sitting on Ivan so I run to get my camera but I was too late.

So I told Landon to sit on brother again (he wasn't hurting him, it would of just made a cute picture :) and so he goes and.....

pulls his ear...ummm

Not quite the picture I wanted, but hey, they're brothers ;)

And this scene is from today. While I was working on this blog post, Ryan yells, "babe get the camera!" so I obeyed and this is what I captured :)

Ivan making his very proud entrance

He's screaming BEEP BEEP lol!

Landon wants to join the fun

He decides he needs to hang on to brother...

this sends side saddle Ivan off the edge and Landon sliding off the back...

As only a father could do, Ryan swoops in, saves the trike from falling on Ivan and catches Ivan before he hits his head on the race track.

both of the boys think this is hilarious which adds another moment of strange brotherly bonding to their hearts.

Landon decides this is his perfect opportunity to steal his trike away from Ivan

and he makes a quick getaway

LOL NEVER a dull moment in this cramped (with crazy love) two bedroom apartment of ours. Loving every moment!!

This kid has added more to our family than we ever could of imagined. It is truly hard to imagine that there was ever a moment that he was not ours.

We love you Ivan Abraham... and we will gladly spend the rest of our lives showing you the relentless love and grace of your true Savior.

I can't end this post without acknowledging the countless people that have made our adoption possible. Whether through prayer or your financial support we want you to know that you have sown eternal seeds into this little one and we pray God's boundless love and blessings over you. We could NEVER do this alone.

Also, thank you to each of the amazing families who have dropped off meals for our family. You have no idea what a blessing you have been to us. Your generosity and encouragement was such a light during some very dark, long, and tiring days.

We love you all and as always, we look forward to sharing our crazy and transforming life with you!

A Heart in the Trenches

Well hello blog!! Would you believe that I've missed you? Facebook has nothing on you so you have nothing to worry about :)

So we have been back in the States for six days now and we will be going back to our Ivan's country in 10 days.

Our time at home has been full of a mixture of emotions for me.

For those of you who do not know, we were supposed to have court on the 25th of September, but because of an issue with paperwork (Ivan's birth mom's name was misspelled on one of her certificates) our court was rescheduled for Oct 14th.

We were so confused by this delay. It seemed like a waste of time, our adoption isn't progressing right now, we're just at a stand still.

Yesterday, I got a small glimpse into why God had both Ryan and I come home for this short amount of time.

For the first time since leaving America, I was finally able to pour my heart out to God. I confessed my anger and bitterness toward Him. I wept from the heartbreak of losing a child, fighting for two others, and yet quickly losing the hope of them as well.

I haven't shared publicly what happened after we were told we would not be able to adopt Levi. Yes, I was heartbroken, but right away Ryan and I decided that we needed to keep fighting. We needed to find the child that was supposed to be in our family because surely God would not have leveled so many mountains to get us approved for two children if we were only meant to bring home Ivan.

We were shown a bunch of files of other children who were in Ivan's region. There was a little girl in the pile and when Ryan saw her he said "ahhhhh" I quickly took her file away from him because my heart wasn't prepared for a girl, it just wasn't an option. We prayed about how we would handle visiting all these children and only being able to choose one. Later that night I couldn't sleep, I just kept thinking about that little girl (there were only two girls in the files we were shown). In the morning I told Ryan that I think we should just pick one and ask our facilitator to make us a DAP appointment (the appointment where you get read the child's whole file and receive an official referral). Ryan looked at me astounded. "But how would we just choose". With tears in my eyes I said, "I think I want a little girl." I had no idea where those words or the emotion came from all I knew is that it felt 100% right. Ryan hugged me so tight and said he was thinking the exact same thing.

So that morning Ryan called our facilitator and before we left for Ivan's region we went to the court house to apply for a DAP appt for this little 3 year old girl.

The day after we met Ivan we spent all day in the town he was born in and then on our way back to our hotel we drove to the baby house where Ivan stayed from age 1 to 5. We thought that our facilitator was just going to go in and give the director some paperwork and let him know that we would be there soon to meet this little girl, but once we got there we were told that we would probably be able to see the girl that day just to make sure we still wanted to go through with the DAP appt.

Ryan and I were beside ourselves with excitement!! We got out the doll we had bought for her (YES we bought a DOLL!! We didn't see that coming for YEARS). Our facilitator went in first to speak with the director. She stayed in there a very long time. When she finally came out she told us that she didn't have good news. The little girl had an older brother and they are very close. The director will not let them be separated.

The words were like a dagger in my heart.

Another sibling!

Hope was slipping fast....

The tears were coming...

Then our facilitator looked at the translator, said some words, and the translator asked us if we were open to down syndrome?

Ryan and I looked at each other and said YES!!

Our facilitator went on to explain that there was a six year old girl with ds who had just been transferred to a mental institution from the same orphanage that our sweet precious Ivan is at. We were told that she has a sister, but her sister was moved to a school and they would never be able to be together again, so they will be able to be legally separated.

Our hearts were still in shock, but we couldn't help but feel like this must of been God's plan all along. If we didn't go see this little 3 year old girl, we never would of heard about this one and Ryan and I have both talked about someday adopting a child with down syndrome, we never imagined that it would be so soon.

Could God of been preparing our hearts for this sweet little girl?

The next day we got the great news that we could keep the DAP appt that we applied for and we could have it for this little girl :)

Everything seemed to be coming together...

The director of Ivan's orphanage showed us pictures of the little girl with her sister. She was beautiful. Dark olive skin and dark hair. It was clear that her and her sister were very close. We were heartbroken by her story, being separated from her sister and moved to a scary mental institution only a week before.

Certainly this is why God has brought us here with the approval for two children, or so we thought.

We made the long trip out of Ivan's region to the city where our DAP appt would be. We spent a couple days sightseeing and then Monday we got into the same car as another Reeces Rainbow family. We talked all the way to the SDA building, sharing our crazy journey's. Then we met up with another Reece's Rainbow family there, visited with them in a pizza parlor, until we were told that we needed to go over for our appt.

Right away we could tell something was wrong...

Our facilitator went on to confirm our assumptions.

We didn't have DS listed in our home study.

We had thirty other diagnosis listed and the words "the Maxwell family is approved BUT NOT LIMITED to parent children with...." The "but not limited to" should of been enough, but we were told it wasn't :(

Our facilitator said there might still be a way though... we just had to email our sw back home, have her include DS, have her send the new copy to Bismarck, have a friend appostile it and send it back. The whole process would add about a week onto our stay. Ryan and I looked at each other... then we looked at the family sitting beside us, going through something VERY similar to us. After our facilitator left the room, Ryan and I talked, Ryan thought we should do it, we needed to at least "try". I agreed. When we were talking with the other family I confessed that I kept thinking is this really worth it, but that as soon as I think it I realize YES of course it is!! This is a child's life!!

So we sat on a couch down in the SDA building as the hours passed, still waiting to see this sweet girl's file, whom we were allowing our hearts to fall in love with.

After around 5 hours, we went outside with our main facilitator (He's the boss, but he's also a big teddy bear). He spoke straight with us...

"So here's the problem. This little girl does not have Downs." WHAT!! but the director at Ivan's orphanage showed us pictures of her, she does have down syndrome, I said. He went on to explain that she has been tested and has tested positive for Down Syndrome, but her medical coding on her file, says that she is healthy. (This was also an issue that our precious Levi had) I continued to argue, "but if she's been tested, then she does have it!" "How do you know? Do you have paper that says, this child have Downs?" No, I confessed (on the verge of tears). Paper is all that matters to these people... he went on talking, but my heart was so shattered, I didn't even hear it.

We stood there in shock.

This couldn't seriously be happening.

God where are you? We were willing to fight for her, why are You closing the door?

Another one of our facilitators came over to us and told us that she was astounded. She said she's never seen this, in all the years she's been doing adoptions. She explained to us that kids are supposed to receive medical updates every 6 months. Those updates get sent to the social services office and then they are supposed to send them to the SDA so they can update the child's file, but RARELY does the social services send the updates. She said it is heartbreaking because no one from another country will be able to adopt this little girl because she is listed as healthy, but if a local family goes to adopt her, they will see that she has Downs, and will not. She told us that this is what they fight against everyday. Things that seem like they would be an easy fix are impossible because people just don't care about these children. To most, they are nothing more than a piece of paper.

That night Ryan and I went back to our apartment in complete shock. All day we rode the rollercoaster of hope, only to be let off, disoriented and let down. Feeling like we invested so heavily in something that was now COMPLETELY gone.

I didn't know how to let go...

Maybe God still wanted us to fight...

Maybe there was another child out there...

Ryan and I sat in silence, both breaking inside because we knew the answer...

God had closed every door.

For the first time in our entire adoption process, we didn't feel Him going before us on this one.

We were done fighting for child #3.

I couldn't even process the concept of being a family of 4, of only having two children. Levi was a part of us and now he was gone.

Finally the grief hit.

"I just want our Levi." I whispered to Ryan through my gasping sobbing.

Ryan pulled me off the couch, onto my knees, and he poured out his heart to God.

I said nothing.

I had no words.

I hugged Ryan and Then I got up and walked to the bedroom, kicking the doll across the floor on my way.

I knew I was leaving Ryan alone. I knew he was hurting just as much as me, but I was in such a dark place I didn't care.

The next day we began the long drive back to Ivan's region. Ryan and I were still holding hands, still going through all of the craziness together, but we were both so numb.

Being with Ivan again made the pain so much easier. I still had my moments of deep sorrow, but I knew we were so blessed with this amazing child. He was enough and I felt guilty for feeling, at times, like he wasn't.

I thought I had accepted it, we began to plan how our lives would be now with our TWO amazing boys and I began to see glimers of hope.

I was excited that we could get Ivan a full size bed now, dreamed of the closeness he would have with Landon, knew I could focus so much more on Ivan's needs now.

But then we got home, and I walked into an apartment that had Levi's picture and his name all over.

The five hanging on our wall is probably the cruelest reminder.

The first morning at home, I was sitting on the floor, letting the pain hit, feeling the darkness trying to overcome my heart, when this song came on the radio... 

God I know You're there, we've been through some really hard times, this feels like the hardest, but even through this, I will trust you Lord.

And the day got better, it really did, until I saw this.

http://reecesrainbow.org/67079/merry-margaret

Yes, that sweet little beauty was the child that we fought so fiercely for.

I figured it must be a mistake so I contacted Reece's Rainbow. They double checked, and then told me that her updated file is at the SDA building now.

I really wanted to be happy. Why am I not happy, this means her and her sister can be adopted together now. God who am I kidding, this feels like a cruel joke.

And there it was again, the numbness, the darkness, the grief.

But I have no choice, but to go on with life... enjoy life... point out the blessings I have been given... and wait for the sun to rise on the painful pages of my story.

Yesterday I bundled my baby boy up, put him on my back in the carrier, and went for a long walk. I breathed in the freshness of the wind and let it soothe my aching soul. I let the beauty of changing leaves remind me that every season, even if it includes death and loss, serves a purpose, and will one day be made new.

I also poured my heart out to God like I was still in our apartment in country, I said the words that my heart grabbed onto then, but didn't have the courage or the ability to let go off until weeks later.
I told God that I have never felt so mislead by Him, never been so angry, never felt so lost and betrayed.

If we were not supposed to adopt a second child why wait so long to close the door? Why level so many mountains for Levi? Why give us peace about pursuing Him?

After I had poured out all of my harsh honesty before God, I somehow found the words to praise Him. For safety, for an even stronger marriage. For an amazing child who will fit so perfectly into our family. For my precious Landon, whose story reminds me that heartbreak can be our greatest blessing in disguise.

I titled this post because that is where I feel my heart is - in the trenches. Adoption is such a battle. Some days we see overwhelming victories and others we feel defeated by all the pain we witness. I know that my grieving is not over. I will still have terribly dark days, where I wonder what the point of it all is, but after my walk in the park, my God brought the lyrics of this old hymn to mind.

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

When darkness seems to hide His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

One of my fears after losing Levi, was that our story would make some of you question your faith in God (probably because I was questioning my own), but my hope and prayer is that even through this trial you would be able to see His glorious light shining through. Our story is not our own. I don't pretend to understand why God leads us down the paths He does, but I know my God and I know that He NEVER leads us wrong.

Sometimes our trials turn out to be our greatest blessings in life, but only if we ride each wave with the One who walks on water.


I can't end this post without thanking each of you for your prayers and support during our time in country and now as we go back and finish up our adoption of Ivan. Adoption is such a spiritual battle and we could NOT be doing this without you prayer warriors by our side, you are right here in the trenches with us and for that we are eternally grateful.

If there are any of you still out there who have not joined our facebook group, please do so. You are really missing out not seeing all the pictures and videos of our precious lovie. I would love to write an entire post about him, but I don't have all day, so please join and continue to follow our journey to making him a Maxwell :)

Just add me as a friend on fb and send me a message requesting to be invited to our group. If I have somehow forgot to invite you, please don't hesitate to ask again :)